Need To Unload My Emotions

For the blog that started out as a love blog...

   Well, I'm not going to lie. I'm still in love. Let me tell you, he gave me the best year of my life.. And even left me with a child. I miss him so bad, every day. Yes, he hurt me. But you have no idea what happiness he brought me. The reason it hurts to think about him, is because it still makes me happy but then my mind catches up when I realize he also makes me terribly sad. Mixing the two of them is painful. The worst part is, our relationship didn't end because we fought, or fell out of love. One day, he decided to feel guilty for his past relationship and left me. 

      I told him, the last time I saw him, that even though it's clicking in my head what's happening, I don't believe it's the end for us. He told me I wasn't stupid for thinkin that, just by a I was hopeful. Then he for mean. Anger is his way to control any other emotion. 

      At the beginning of our relationship he said, 'if anything ever takes us apart, I'll spend my life trying to find you again'. I wonder if he remembers saying that? I wonder if he thinks about me as often as I do him ? I wonder if he'll want a place in our child's life or if he thinks paying child support is the responsibility he needs to take up?

      I'm meeting his mother this week. He doesn't know it. I'm nervous but I want her to know me, and know my son.. And I want to know her.

My Life is Falling Down

       I'm not sure if so much agree with the phrase, 'it's better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all'. 

       Let me tell you, it's been a little over a month and my heart still shatters when I think of him. It may be even worst, seeing as I'm pregnant with his child that he seemed so happy about.. Now he doesn't want anything to do with me. He deleted his email. Not right away. I don't think he had checked it in a mob time. Yes, I was sending him emails.. But I knew he didn't check it. Then one day, my email got returned to me saying the email no longer existed. He wrote a blog during his married days, where he vented everything out.. And that's deleted too.  

         Was he thinking of me when he deleted it? Feeling at all sad for the fact that wasn't going to have me in his life? Or was he relieved because he thinks I'm going to disappear just as easily as that email? 

      I've tried talking to him, but it absolutely hurts.. Because he doesn't want to talk to me. I'm used to feeling love and warmth in his voice and now there's nothing. He said he doesn't even know if he's going to be involved in his child's life at all. How am I suppose to feel about that? We conceived our child out o love and now your backing out. I trusted you. With every last part of me. Where did that get me?

         I'm just assuming I wasn't enough for him. This is upsetting because I thought I was everything to him. He was everything to me. He's still everything to me. I still ache for him to hold me and fill me with his warmth. Whenever I have a phone call, either at work or on my cell, I still hold out hope that it's going to be him. I'm hoping someday he'll at least call me and apologize for doing what he promised on his own life he would never do. 

         My heart is just so shattered. I don't even know what to do anymore. I can't even picture my future. What's tomorrow going to bring? What's my child going to think of me, knowing me nor him were good enough to keep him in our lives?

When You Want to Dance

Or cry. There have been moments recently in my life where I could just cry with happiness. There have also been moments lately that make me wonder how it didn't break me. I haven't felt the need to share my life lately. I don't know why. I've loved blogging and thought it was a nice kind of self-competition to see if I could write every day. Then I think I got super happy and forgot about it. Even after the super happiness faded I still didn't write.

   Why am I writing tonight? I'm just kind of lonely. I just got my period and the day before and the days during I am so, so lonely. I even hung out with a friend tonight that I haven't seen in forever. It wasn't enough to get rid of the lonely feeling. So I'm laying on my bed trying to ignore how I feel.

    I've been putting in a lot of applications lately because I hate kmart anymore.

     I've been looking into jobs and apartments not in this town.

   My birthday is in exactly one week. All I want from anyone is a birthday card. It's always been my thing, to want a birthday card. I used to save all of them!

     I'm living with my mom still. We are currently in a house with no heat, no hot water, and no stove to cook on, seeing as it's a gas stove and our gas isn't turned on. I hate cold showers and not being able to eat.. And not being able to sleep because I'm too cold. I'm sorry. I needed to complain to someone. I can't always ignore it. 

    People say you control your own destiny but I'm having such a hard time getting out of this hole my mother has dug me into.

     Sigh.

What is Love?

Love is like seeing a new range of colors that you never knew existed. 

The type of colors that fill the void of emptiness you felt before. 

That make your heart soar with the fact that something so beautiful exists.

The colors are so bright, that there is no longer any dimly lighted moments. 

They sparkle.

There's renewed hope that there are more things you never knew existed. 

Renewed adventure. Renewed thoughts. 

Love is new, every day.

Missing You

I just wrote a blog for my other thing, www.iamle4nneblog.wordpress.com , about missing things. It made me actually think about what I miss. They have the saying that goes, 'you can't miss what you never had'. I don't believe hats true. I do miss what I haven't had. Or maybe what I had, but can't remember having. I hate dwelling on the things I don't have or never had, because I'd rather concentrate on what I have and what I can Change.... But sometimes it's hard not to think of everything. It's also hard to change things that have been occurring for so long. Aka: helping people at work. Josh told me that people take advantage of my help because its known that I help whoever needs it. You know what? I love helping people in our store because I know what it's like not toget help. I know what it's like to have the stress of not knowing how something is going to get done. BUT I would LOVE to be thanked. If you don't thank me, then please don't ever expect me to help your ungrateful ass out. There's other things I could be doing for my own department to make it better. I don't have to say yes. Grrr.

    I haven't been to the gym in forever. I think that's my problem. I went today, and of course felt much better. I really shouldn't stop going because my emotions seem to get up too high when I don't go.

    Would you like an update on Rob? I don't know. There isn't a good way to describe it. Just: I don't know. That's going to have to be good enough for now. 

     So much stress in my life. I thought I got rid of a lot of it. Apparently not.

These Four Words

    I had the most ridiculous morning. It was seriously kind of funny how inconveniently everything was going for me. I went to work, had a decent day. Two hours before my shift ended I got hit with a wave of sleepiness. I also had a headache all day and couldn't concentrate. No more vacations! Apparently a week away makes me a ditz. So I leave work and call Laurie, my sister in law, and we talk about random things for almost 1 1/2 hours. Now I'm laying on my bed, soaking in the air conditioning, listening to music. I told someone about the the blog challenge that I'm doing on www.iamleanneblog.wordpress.com and that tomorrow's topic is, what would you say you do if you couldn't describe your job? I was like, well... I breathe... And.. Sleep.. And read books.  I stay fancy? And this friend replied in an awesome way, but sadly, my loves, you will not know the answer tomorrow until I write my blog!

First Day, A New Day

    It was my first day back to work today, after my vacation. My boss called me in early to do a project for him. Though it was 4 1/2 hours earlier than what I was scheduled, I didn't mind. A project? I love projects! So I went in today and it was nice. I had to cover breaks up front, order money, get overrides, get called all over the store... But it was nice. Apparently everyone knows hat I'm back and they were taking complete advantage.

     It made me miss the floor even more. I love that freedom. 

     So I left Kmart, changed my clothes, and walked to giant(grocery store) to grab Klondike bars, and walked back to Kmart to drop them off. I knew it'd be hot and I wanted them to know I love them.

     Yep.

      My life.