Need To Unload My Emotions

For the blog that started out as a love blog...

   Well, I'm not going to lie. I'm still in love. Let me tell you, he gave me the best year of my life.. And even left me with a child. I miss him so bad, every day. Yes, he hurt me. But you have no idea what happiness he brought me. The reason it hurts to think about him, is because it still makes me happy but then my mind catches up when I realize he also makes me terribly sad. Mixing the two of them is painful. The worst part is, our relationship didn't end because we fought, or fell out of love. One day, he decided to feel guilty for his past relationship and left me. 

      I told him, the last time I saw him, that even though it's clicking in my head what's happening, I don't believe it's the end for us. He told me I wasn't stupid for thinkin that, just by a I was hopeful. Then he for mean. Anger is his way to control any other emotion. 

      At the beginning of our relationship he said, 'if anything ever takes us apart, I'll spend my life trying to find you again'. I wonder if he remembers saying that? I wonder if he thinks about me as often as I do him ? I wonder if he'll want a place in our child's life or if he thinks paying child support is the responsibility he needs to take up?

      I'm meeting his mother this week. He doesn't know it. I'm nervous but I want her to know me, and know my son.. And I want to know her.

My Life is Falling Down

       I'm not sure if so much agree with the phrase, 'it's better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all'. 

       Let me tell you, it's been a little over a month and my heart still shatters when I think of him. It may be even worst, seeing as I'm pregnant with his child that he seemed so happy about.. Now he doesn't want anything to do with me. He deleted his email. Not right away. I don't think he had checked it in a mob time. Yes, I was sending him emails.. But I knew he didn't check it. Then one day, my email got returned to me saying the email no longer existed. He wrote a blog during his married days, where he vented everything out.. And that's deleted too.  

         Was he thinking of me when he deleted it? Feeling at all sad for the fact that wasn't going to have me in his life? Or was he relieved because he thinks I'm going to disappear just as easily as that email? 

      I've tried talking to him, but it absolutely hurts.. Because he doesn't want to talk to me. I'm used to feeling love and warmth in his voice and now there's nothing. He said he doesn't even know if he's going to be involved in his child's life at all. How am I suppose to feel about that? We conceived our child out o love and now your backing out. I trusted you. With every last part of me. Where did that get me?

         I'm just assuming I wasn't enough for him. This is upsetting because I thought I was everything to him. He was everything to me. He's still everything to me. I still ache for him to hold me and fill me with his warmth. Whenever I have a phone call, either at work or on my cell, I still hold out hope that it's going to be him. I'm hoping someday he'll at least call me and apologize for doing what he promised on his own life he would never do. 

         My heart is just so shattered. I don't even know what to do anymore. I can't even picture my future. What's tomorrow going to bring? What's my child going to think of me, knowing me nor him were good enough to keep him in our lives?