When You Want to Dance

Or cry. There have been moments recently in my life where I could just cry with happiness. There have also been moments lately that make me wonder how it didn't break me. I haven't felt the need to share my life lately. I don't know why. I've loved blogging and thought it was a nice kind of self-competition to see if I could write every day. Then I think I got super happy and forgot about it. Even after the super happiness faded I still didn't write.

   Why am I writing tonight? I'm just kind of lonely. I just got my period and the day before and the days during I am so, so lonely. I even hung out with a friend tonight that I haven't seen in forever. It wasn't enough to get rid of the lonely feeling. So I'm laying on my bed trying to ignore how I feel.

    I've been putting in a lot of applications lately because I hate kmart anymore.

     I've been looking into jobs and apartments not in this town.

   My birthday is in exactly one week. All I want from anyone is a birthday card. It's always been my thing, to want a birthday card. I used to save all of them!

     I'm living with my mom still. We are currently in a house with no heat, no hot water, and no stove to cook on, seeing as it's a gas stove and our gas isn't turned on. I hate cold showers and not being able to eat.. And not being able to sleep because I'm too cold. I'm sorry. I needed to complain to someone. I can't always ignore it. 

    People say you control your own destiny but I'm having such a hard time getting out of this hole my mother has dug me into.

     Sigh.

What is Love?

Love is like seeing a new range of colors that you never knew existed. 

The type of colors that fill the void of emptiness you felt before. 

That make your heart soar with the fact that something so beautiful exists.

The colors are so bright, that there is no longer any dimly lighted moments. 

They sparkle.

There's renewed hope that there are more things you never knew existed. 

Renewed adventure. Renewed thoughts. 

Love is new, every day.

Missing You

I just wrote a blog for my other thing, www.iamle4nneblog.wordpress.com , about missing things. It made me actually think about what I miss. They have the saying that goes, 'you can't miss what you never had'. I don't believe hats true. I do miss what I haven't had. Or maybe what I had, but can't remember having. I hate dwelling on the things I don't have or never had, because I'd rather concentrate on what I have and what I can Change.... But sometimes it's hard not to think of everything. It's also hard to change things that have been occurring for so long. Aka: helping people at work. Josh told me that people take advantage of my help because its known that I help whoever needs it. You know what? I love helping people in our store because I know what it's like not toget help. I know what it's like to have the stress of not knowing how something is going to get done. BUT I would LOVE to be thanked. If you don't thank me, then please don't ever expect me to help your ungrateful ass out. There's other things I could be doing for my own department to make it better. I don't have to say yes. Grrr.

    I haven't been to the gym in forever. I think that's my problem. I went today, and of course felt much better. I really shouldn't stop going because my emotions seem to get up too high when I don't go.

    Would you like an update on Rob? I don't know. There isn't a good way to describe it. Just: I don't know. That's going to have to be good enough for now. 

     So much stress in my life. I thought I got rid of a lot of it. Apparently not.

These Four Words

    I had the most ridiculous morning. It was seriously kind of funny how inconveniently everything was going for me. I went to work, had a decent day. Two hours before my shift ended I got hit with a wave of sleepiness. I also had a headache all day and couldn't concentrate. No more vacations! Apparently a week away makes me a ditz. So I leave work and call Laurie, my sister in law, and we talk about random things for almost 1 1/2 hours. Now I'm laying on my bed, soaking in the air conditioning, listening to music. I told someone about the the blog challenge that I'm doing on www.iamleanneblog.wordpress.com and that tomorrow's topic is, what would you say you do if you couldn't describe your job? I was like, well... I breathe... And.. Sleep.. And read books.  I stay fancy? And this friend replied in an awesome way, but sadly, my loves, you will not know the answer tomorrow until I write my blog!

First Day, A New Day

    It was my first day back to work today, after my vacation. My boss called me in early to do a project for him. Though it was 4 1/2 hours earlier than what I was scheduled, I didn't mind. A project? I love projects! So I went in today and it was nice. I had to cover breaks up front, order money, get overrides, get called all over the store... But it was nice. Apparently everyone knows hat I'm back and they were taking complete advantage.

     It made me miss the floor even more. I love that freedom. 

     So I left Kmart, changed my clothes, and walked to giant(grocery store) to grab Klondike bars, and walked back to Kmart to drop them off. I knew it'd be hot and I wanted them to know I love them.

     Yep.

      My life.

My Online Diary

     I really like this blog because I can post whatever I want and I don't have to worry about people judging me. I can express my feelings without getting whiplash. With a lot of people, I feel that way... Like they won't shoot me down. Then there are some people who would very willingly take hits at me. Maybe, some day, I'll share I with everyone. For now, it's just to the random people who find m blog and a few of my close friends.
    I started a new blog that people I know, can actually see. Www.iamle4nneblog.wordpress.com
     I actually started it because I was randomly surfing the web and found this one blogger who did a challenge to write a list of things for each day of the month. I loved the idea of having a topic to write about. I also loved the idea of maybe getting some of my friends involved. So I posted it on Facebook and I was happy when Laurie joined the band wagon! Then came more people. I'm so pleased. It's nice to have a group of us doing this together. It's interesting to see our diversities and similarities.. Too read the different flow and rythm of words from people.

Reading A Cosmopolitan Magazine

We just moved again into a new house. Instead of settling in I'm laying on my bed reading. What am I reading? A cosmopolitan magazine. I was going to read a book but they are all still packed up and I really don't feel like digging. It's a rain day and all I want to do is lay on my bed and relax. I only have two days left of my vacation. I want to make them the best! Even if it means doing absolutely nothing.

     The one article I'm reading right now says, imagine an adult. Then she says when she thinks of an adult, she thinks of her 4th grade teacher. Why did she go so far back in time? Because in our pop-culture landscape.. There really aren't any adult idols. They are kidults. I thought of this as quite intriguing because its true and I really haven't ever thought of it!

     It also pushes the word 'careers' at me. It's always a reminder of what I want to do and don't know how.

    Update on life: I spent quality time with Alicia yesterday. I took her out to a very pricey dinner at a Chinese buffet, which is apparently more expensive on weekends. We walked through some stores at the TJ Maxx plaza. I bought her boyfriend some Chinese food too because I really like him. He treats her so much nicer than any boyfriend she has had before.  Then we came home, moved our beds upstairs, and relaxed.

^my new recipe. I suppose they have tons of recipes like this.. But gosh. It was so good! Ground sausage, onions, peppers, Colby jack cheese, hash browns, eggs.. A few seasonings.. Ta da!