No Doubt

    When I love someone I really leave no doubt to that person that I love them . I give every bit of my heart to everyone I love.I'm sure this isn't the best practice but I can't help it. It's who I am. If I get hurt... well, I just have to deal.
    I had an amazing day yesterday. Things went so ... well. I got away from life for a whole day and it was fantastic. I even got Rob time, if you can't tell from how happy this post is compared to the last few. Either I forgot how much I love him or I fell even more in love with him yesterday.
     Fingers crossed that he keeps his word and does what he's suppose to today. You can do it Rob!
     <3

Today and Why Every Day is Important

     I could never take away my own life. Obviously when things are bad it crosses your mind that maybe it would be easier to die sooner. This is really not the case. It just shows your selfishness. You think you can take your life just because things get tough and it's not going to effect anyone but yourself? That it's only going to make your life, which would no longer be your life, easier? What about all the people who love you that you're leaving behind? No matter who you are, or how you act, I can assure you there is at least one person out there who loves you insanely and would die for you. Someone who understands you at least a little bit and losing you would devastate their life. There are people out there who have died.. for reasons beyond their control.. who had a worse life than you.. that I'm sure would come back in a heart beat. Don't take advantage of your life. Every day is a new day to make something good happen. Some times it's hard to realize it.. but you have control over your life  You have all that you need to make things better for yourself.Yes, it's hard. Whoever said life is easy? I had a best friend commit suicide. I love her but she left me with a feeling of.. Really? Why didn't you tell me how much you were hurting? Why wouldn't you share your burden with me? I really could've helped. That was the first time someone close to me had died. Exactly a year later.. my uncle, who was almost like a dad to me.. died from cancer. A few years later my sister, Jen, died from cancer. It just keeps making me realize how special life is and how easily it can be taken away. Then Cynthia's dad passed away. It was harder on me to see her go through that pain than it was for me to go through my own pain of the deaths in my life. It's bad enough this way. It's a million times worse when the decision for death was actually made.
     This morbid topic was on my mind because I just found out my cousin, Emily, has cancer in her kidnies. This girl is only 3 years younger than me.. but I've always felt.. like she was more my daughter  than anything. Not even so much a sister. I've just always been the motherly figure in her life. I love her. I'm quite distraught with this news.. but if anyone can survive it.. it's dedinitely her.

Nope, Sorry

   Today I spent the first hour of my shift spontaneously crying. Today it just hit me how awfully my life is going.. and I couldn't hold it in. Usually my outside emotions don't effect me at kmart... today is sooo a Monday. Carlos and Casey are quite distraught with seeing me crying.. though Casey said it's nice to know I get upset too and that I'm not always happy.. it makes him feel better about himself. Which I conpletely understand.
    The two of them said they would take me out tonight and we could do whatever I wanted. I'm happy they care so much but I'm still on an uneven edge of a cliff. What will happen?

Always Better in the Morning

     Whenever I have a bad day... I'm reassured by the fact that when I wake up in the morning the next day... I'll feel a thousand tines better. The past few days aren't folowing the usual pattern. I'm just so stressed. So. Insanely. Stressed. More than I think I've ever been. It's wearing on me. I need to just spend a day away from everything. Even then I'm not sure if that would help since I'm the type of person who never stops worrying. So things need to start going smoother and then I'll take a day away.
    I'm currently spending my weekend off at my brother/sister-in-law's and I'm having a lot of fun.... though it isn't quite the distraction I'd hoped it'd be. We visited with Laurie's family yesterday all day long and it's quite sad that I feel more comfortable with her family than I do mine. Mine are always just so damn stressful.Hers are so relaxed. Mine have had more hardships... I get that.. but sometimes it's nice to not be reminded. I understand that having a hard life makes you better appreciate the good things that happen but at this point... I will appreciate it all for the rest of my life if the bad stuff could just stop happenining.

Here's to hoping my depression will fade back into it's forgotten black hole once again.

Harder Than Others

     I hatesharing any of my negative feelings with anyone. I feel like I'm burdening them with problems they shouldn't have to worry about. I vented out to Rob through email how frustrated I am with his potential divorce.My feelings are quite extreme with it and I'm slightly tense waiting for him to reply.. if he even does. I'm afraid he won't choose me.. it's not because I doubt his love but because I doubt myself. So today I'm feeling lonely and having a hard time seeing a reason to even function. I'm so stressed and sometimes wish I could just let it all go.

Hello, Rainy Day

     The past 2 days have been super rainy. I love rainy days but I can't help but let it make me all drowsy and depressed. If I had off today all I would do is mope around and sleep! Or lay around all day and read a book. Either way it'd be a lazy day.
    On a happy note....   Well, I love the rain. I love Rob. I love my friends.

Tonight I'm going to spend the night at my brother's sister-in-law's and hang out with my nephew.. and attempt not to miss Rob too much, although it seens to clog up my mind more often than not.

Up and Down, Up and Down

I'm trying to keep my life up. It wasn't too hard but now my days are lacking Rob time. Which was what kept me out of my funk called life. Now I don't have his voice every day to cheer me up and assure me that everything is goig to be okay. I can only assure myself so much until I stop believing it.
    I used to believe for a long time that my mom only hung out with me because she wanted my money. Every time, she's be like.. Leanne, let's hang out! then at the end.. Leanne can I borrow money?   Borrowing usually means at some point she'd pay me back....Yeah...

In the past year, she seemed to have calmed down from this.. until 2 weeks ago when she started this again. She borrowed 300.. that I really couldn't afford to let her have.. and I don't see it ever getting back to me. This stresses me out insanely. I just want to move away from her so we can not have this kind of relationship. We have a long line of her fucking me over money wise. Oh, that 1000 dollars I told you I'd put in your bank account for college that way you wouldn't have to worry about traveling that far to get it in?
Fucked over.
I love my mom. She pisses me off. A lot. If money was never involved in our relationship we'd be fine....
Then there's the whole I can't talk to Rob on the phone and I've spent the past almost 2 months talking to him for at least two hours a day then going to absolutely nothing? it's murderous.
Then I want him every day and can't have him yet...
I have so much love in me to give to him and it:s building up.