Missing You

I just wrote a blog for my other thing, www.iamle4nneblog.wordpress.com , about missing things. It made me actually think about what I miss. They have the saying that goes, 'you can't miss what you never had'. I don't believe hats true. I do miss what I haven't had. Or maybe what I had, but can't remember having. I hate dwelling on the things I don't have or never had, because I'd rather concentrate on what I have and what I can Change.... But sometimes it's hard not to think of everything. It's also hard to change things that have been occurring for so long. Aka: helping people at work. Josh told me that people take advantage of my help because its known that I help whoever needs it. You know what? I love helping people in our store because I know what it's like not toget help. I know what it's like to have the stress of not knowing how something is going to get done. BUT I would LOVE to be thanked. If you don't thank me, then please don't ever expect me to help your ungrateful ass out. There's other things I could be doing for my own department to make it better. I don't have to say yes. Grrr.

    I haven't been to the gym in forever. I think that's my problem. I went today, and of course felt much better. I really shouldn't stop going because my emotions seem to get up too high when I don't go.

    Would you like an update on Rob? I don't know. There isn't a good way to describe it. Just: I don't know. That's going to have to be good enough for now. 

     So much stress in my life. I thought I got rid of a lot of it. Apparently not.

These Four Words

    I had the most ridiculous morning. It was seriously kind of funny how inconveniently everything was going for me. I went to work, had a decent day. Two hours before my shift ended I got hit with a wave of sleepiness. I also had a headache all day and couldn't concentrate. No more vacations! Apparently a week away makes me a ditz. So I leave work and call Laurie, my sister in law, and we talk about random things for almost 1 1/2 hours. Now I'm laying on my bed, soaking in the air conditioning, listening to music. I told someone about the the blog challenge that I'm doing on www.iamleanneblog.wordpress.com and that tomorrow's topic is, what would you say you do if you couldn't describe your job? I was like, well... I breathe... And.. Sleep.. And read books.  I stay fancy? And this friend replied in an awesome way, but sadly, my loves, you will not know the answer tomorrow until I write my blog!

First Day, A New Day

    It was my first day back to work today, after my vacation. My boss called me in early to do a project for him. Though it was 4 1/2 hours earlier than what I was scheduled, I didn't mind. A project? I love projects! So I went in today and it was nice. I had to cover breaks up front, order money, get overrides, get called all over the store... But it was nice. Apparently everyone knows hat I'm back and they were taking complete advantage.

     It made me miss the floor even more. I love that freedom. 

     So I left Kmart, changed my clothes, and walked to giant(grocery store) to grab Klondike bars, and walked back to Kmart to drop them off. I knew it'd be hot and I wanted them to know I love them.

     Yep.

      My life.

My Online Diary

     I really like this blog because I can post whatever I want and I don't have to worry about people judging me. I can express my feelings without getting whiplash. With a lot of people, I feel that way... Like they won't shoot me down. Then there are some people who would very willingly take hits at me. Maybe, some day, I'll share I with everyone. For now, it's just to the random people who find m blog and a few of my close friends.
    I started a new blog that people I know, can actually see. Www.iamle4nneblog.wordpress.com
     I actually started it because I was randomly surfing the web and found this one blogger who did a challenge to write a list of things for each day of the month. I loved the idea of having a topic to write about. I also loved the idea of maybe getting some of my friends involved. So I posted it on Facebook and I was happy when Laurie joined the band wagon! Then came more people. I'm so pleased. It's nice to have a group of us doing this together. It's interesting to see our diversities and similarities.. Too read the different flow and rythm of words from people.

Reading A Cosmopolitan Magazine

We just moved again into a new house. Instead of settling in I'm laying on my bed reading. What am I reading? A cosmopolitan magazine. I was going to read a book but they are all still packed up and I really don't feel like digging. It's a rain day and all I want to do is lay on my bed and relax. I only have two days left of my vacation. I want to make them the best! Even if it means doing absolutely nothing.

     The one article I'm reading right now says, imagine an adult. Then she says when she thinks of an adult, she thinks of her 4th grade teacher. Why did she go so far back in time? Because in our pop-culture landscape.. There really aren't any adult idols. They are kidults. I thought of this as quite intriguing because its true and I really haven't ever thought of it!

     It also pushes the word 'careers' at me. It's always a reminder of what I want to do and don't know how.

    Update on life: I spent quality time with Alicia yesterday. I took her out to a very pricey dinner at a Chinese buffet, which is apparently more expensive on weekends. We walked through some stores at the TJ Maxx plaza. I bought her boyfriend some Chinese food too because I really like him. He treats her so much nicer than any boyfriend she has had before.  Then we came home, moved our beds upstairs, and relaxed.

^my new recipe. I suppose they have tons of recipes like this.. But gosh. It was so good! Ground sausage, onions, peppers, Colby jack cheese, hash browns, eggs.. A few seasonings.. Ta da!

If You Had One More Day

  I just read a book and it was great! It was large print so it wasn't as long as I thought it would be... But it didn't need to be long to get the point across.

   A drunkard tries to commit suicide. He has lost his family to his depression of his mother dying. He decides no one will care And he goes off to kill himself where he grew up. On the way there (he's driving drunk) he gets in a car accident. He's ejected from his car. Then that's where it takes over in his head that he goes to a tower to jump off and die.. But alas! He has failed at his '2nd' attempted suicide. He then finds himself at the house where he grew up. And his mom opens the door! Even though she's been dead!  In disbelief he goes in and they spend one more day together. They go through his past and present and at the end, he wakes up at the car accident. Ready to live his life with the love he should have been first.

    It made me think.. What would you do and say if you had one more day with a person close to you that you lost?

My Parents... Or Not Parents?

    Yesterday, I accidentally let everything bad about my childhood slip through while I was talking to Rob. I really keep it in check, because I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. Shawn (my ex) doesn't even know half of it and I was with him for 7 years. So as it was spewing out of my mouth, I realized how not-so-good my parents are. My mother was rarely around. Then she had us move everywhere once I turned 13-14. Never settling down longer than 3 months and it was usually only 1-2 moths on average. I continued to go to my high school that I had always gone to.. Except once when I spent 2 months at another one. She continuously stole my money when I had a job. Everyone always says to me.. You've had a job for the past 5 years and you didn't save any money? How do you expect me to? My mom used to be able to get into my bank account because she was friends with the bank tellers.

    My dad? He was depressed until I turned 21. He says now, because my brother told him how sometimes we didn't have food, why didn't you tell me? I would've helped. I would have given you a place to live. 

    He knew about it.. He just ignored it. He didn't care about anyone but himself. Now he's feeling bad when it's too late.  

    Sometimes I feel like I grew up without parents. My brother and I were the only ones we had. Then Alicia came along.. I've been baby sitting her since I was 7 ( the year she was born). She used to call me Mom number 2.

    Now that I told Rob about it, all the angsty feelings of the past are pouring out of me. I had to play music last night to distract my mind and allow me to sleep.

Why Do You Want To Marry Me?

    I just had a random thought of the movie, Sweet Home Alabama. One of the movie quotes is, "why do you want to be married to me" and the reply is "so I can kiss you whenever I wanna!" I think this is a good reason to want to marry someone ;) gosh. 

    I'm at work, I came in early. I was actually planning on having my mom drop me off at dunkin donuts.. Last second I was like, actually.. I really don't want coffee. How weird is that thought!? Especially when I'm thinking it! 

    Last night, i woke up once every hour because I couldn't stop dreaming weird dreams. Most of them revolved around Kmart and one of them was meeting Rob's father, who has been, not alive, for 5 years.

   I've been thinking about that because a few weeks ago we were talking about how his youngest will never meet him and his other children won't really even remember him.. And he deserves to be remembered. Everyone does, for that matter.

    I hope I'll be remembered. I hope I've made such an impact on people's live that they will always remember me.

    Gah. I wish I could've called off today. I don't want to work!! One more day... Just... 9... To...530... I can do this!

2 days!.... Just Two More Days!

     My vacation is in two days and it is not coming soon enough. The funny part is, for my first 3 years I didn't take a vacation or any vacation days. I didn't need to. I loved Kmart and didn't want to leave it. Then came year 4, and though I loved Kmart, I wanted to take a break from it. Year 5? Yeah. It's draining me. Year 6? I may not go back. I'm sure they won't miss me too much. I'm just hoping that all my hard work doesn't go to waste and get all screwed up while I'm gone. I don't care too much. At least , I won't care while I'm on vacation.

     I am just so excited to do the whole vacation thing. The possibilities are endless of things I'm able to do. Even if I don't do anything, it's the fact that I had the possibility to do it. I've been super tired lately. I can't break out of it. Vacation, will you help, I wonder?

      I went to the fireworks with Casey Carlos and Erika. Every year, even when I was younger, I always felt so alone. Even when i wasn't alone I couldn't shake the feeling. This year was different, and that's important to me.

Mmmm, Goldfish Puffs

    New Goldfish puffs? They taste like not-as-cheesy-but-still-cheesy Cheetos cheese puffs.. And they're super awesome because their mouths are open! So cute!

     I went into work at 4 am today. It's a good thing I was exhausted yesterday and fell asleep at 530pm! Or else I would have been completely dead today. Now I'm laying on my bed, trying to convince myself I get up and shave my legs or something. Haha. Or even read! But my body is just like.. Leanne, sit your butt down and do not move. And I'm like blah! I hate relaxing!

    Speaking of relaxing.. My vacation is in 3 days. I have off tomorrow and I'm planning on going to a cookout with Carlos and Casey. Then off to the fire works!

    I really haven't posted my inner emotions lately. I'm not sure what they are right now. Everything feels.. Light, happy, very surface-like. I can't seem to bring myself down into any kind of funk. It's like there's a wall there keeping me from feeling any kind of upset. I don't remember placing it there either. If I could have done something like this, I would have done it sooner! So I'm just feeling mello. And hot.

    Cheers!

Mango/coconut Honey Bunches of Oats

     I bought mango and coconut honey bunches of oats.. And finally tried it this morning.. I think that both the flavored are too overpowering and they shouldn't have put them both in one box. Oh well, it's edible ;)

    Yesterday I got Erika, Casey, and Carlos around for a picnic at Indian park. We went to Weis and grabbed a bunch of different foods. It was a last minute picnic so I didn't have to make anything. We got pizza, potato salad, chicken, crackers, cheese, etc. it was quite an assortment! I took over 100 pictures of them. 

    Then I went home.. Walked to the store to get Alicia stuff for pizza, which she is lucky I lie her south because it was so hot and humid out! Ugh.

   I came home.. Passed out.. At 530 pm. Woke up to a phone call at 1030 from Kmart. It threw me off a little bit because, well, Kmart closes at 10....

     It was josh asking me to come in wake today(Wednesday). He was going to have me come in at 6.. But since I had been sleeping all day, I figured, what the heck? Why not at 4am!?

    So right now, I'm sitting on my bed... Drinking coffee, waiting for my day to begin.

Review Of The Movie, The Heat

I just got back from a date with my cousin, Erika, Carlos, and Casey. We went to see the heat. It was hilarious!! I was laughing the whole time! I heard a lot of mixed reviews but I enjoyed it. The actors played their roles well and the plot was great!

    I almost didn't go with them. I was feeling exhausted and grumpy. Then I realized how lame that excuse was. I'm happy I hanged my mind and went with them. I am so lucky to have my friends in my life. I've finally found my life time friends. They all understand me and love me how I love them. I haven't had that all my life and now I'm surrounded by it. Words can't describe how much of an impact they make on my life. They complete me. They give me hope and support.. Help me move forward.

Thank you