Um... Yes.

     I just took my driving test... and passed! I am sooooo happy! I just want to dance around. Finally! I feel.. awesome... just so freakin' awesome. I want to drive.. and drive.. and drive some more! and then go see Rob. and kiss him and tell him how excited I am.. because I am... EXCITED!!!  
         I am working 11-10 today and I can assure you the whole time I'm going to be smiling hardcore and jumping around.
    My dad wanted to eat at Nathan's afterwards. I haven't actually ate there since the day bedore they opened and gave us all free food. I really am not a fan of fast food... but it was okay! Anyway, time for work. Wish me luck with not exploding with happiness.

Gosh.

     I'm retaking my driving test tomorrow at 9. I am maaaad nervous..but not as bad as I was the first time.      

   I worked my 2nd day as a flower-person. Surprisingly, even though it was a mopey day, it didn't seem to last long enough.
    Carlos and Casey also told me that more than likely they'll be moving to Florida in September  I'm quite saddened by this... They're both my soul mates and I just found them. I'm not willing to give them back to the world again. I'm attempting not to think too much about it. If I don't have Rob by this time.. I may just lose it.

    I've spent the past 2 days at my dad's.... I will robably be staying here for a weeeee bit. Though my mother is still trying to get me in with her. It'll cost me more money... but I'm very tempted... Even though my mom pisses me off.. it's more comfortable to stay with her. I really feel sad that I have to give up a place I called home for the past year and a half... it's not too hard because with shawn there, it's no longer a place of comfort.. it's just a reminder of my 7 - year mistake.

Million Thoughts

      Last night I had a dream about my sister, Jen, who passed away a few years ago. At first she was a part of my dream and then I was like hey wait, you're part of my dream but I need to talk to you for real, so are you really here? She replied yes, what do you need to say? So we talked for a good amount of time in my dream... I woke up feeling nice and calm... I've been thinking about her lately and I've missed her so it's at least nice to have had that time of my dream with her.
          I thought I was in love with Shawn when we first started dating but the more time I spend with Rob, I realize I was never in love with Shawn.Shawn has never appreciated me and still, til this day, takes advantage of me. I never felt beautiful with him and never felt like I could be myself with him.

I know that you know, I'm so in love with Rob... I just need to keep expressing it because it's something so new for me... something I haven't felt my whole life... and saying I love him doesn't even fully express it. He's my everything and every day.. I smile because I'm his and he's mine. No doubts.

Make A Wish

     I wish for happiness. For myself and everyone else. Through all of the pain, I want everyone to see the potential for happiness and to hang in there just because of the hope you have. Faith in potential happiness. All ya need.
     I started my 'part time' job of workig with flowers at Kmart. I can tell already that it's going to be really nice for me... nice and relaxing.
     I want to plant a garden pretty bad.
   I'm currently drinking a coconut iced coffee.. it sucks! Seriously, yuck. I'm disappointed in them for allowing such yuckiness! What I really want.. is a lemonade coolatta. my faaaavorite!
     I'm torn again between leaving shawn completely alone with the house . i'M kind of inbetween on being completely moved out.. I kind of want to be like, F you. You waste your money and borrow mine .. or not even borrow because you can't afford to pay me back..
Then I think.. he's currently housing my cats.. and he'd probably starve without my help... I'm sadly beginning not to care.. he takes advantage of me.. he always has and i've just recently realized how much..

My Thoughts

     Honestly, being prejudice is so outdated. Get over yourself. You can't control someone else's life nor should you want to. You have your own life so but out of others'. So they're gay? Oh well. They're human just like you so shuuuut up. You're just being annoying.
    Yesterday, I went to the casino for the first time. I won like half of my money back. My mother, who has a gambling problem, was not so lucky and didn't know when to stop. Should've just told her I'd suck it up and go to bingo... it may have cost less. Oh well, it was a fun time!
      I've had yesterday and today off. I miss having days off. After 8 dayd I started forgettig what one felt like.
Oh, it feels awesome.

Today I am once again  spending the day in Burnham while Rob works. I adventured through town and was disappointed when I didn't find any shops.. So I went to the park for a few hours and read my book.. then decided to just lay on a bench and soak up the sun. I got another cupcake from this fancy cupcake shop up here to share with Rob while we ate dinner. Peanut Butter Cup! Then I couldn't help it anymore and attacked his face until he had to go back to work. Now I'm hiding from the sun inside of Dunkin Donuts. Too much sun makes me uncomfortable.
I also decided today that I don't want a wedding cake. I'm not too much a fan of cake....but cupcakes? Brilliant.

Excitement

    The excitement in me is increasing an insane amount. It's going to just start combusting out of me! My cashiers are coming a long way at work. It makes me feel really nice.
    Tomorrow I am going to the casino, which I'll be sure to let everyone know how that goes..
I talked to Rob last night on the phone for longer than 5 minutes! I love this guy.
He really makes my heart... beat. and melt. and skip.
Then Friday is the day I get to see him and I just can't wait. I'm trying not to rush my days but gosh, I want to see his face!
     I do not have a ride home tonight until 10 so I'm going to the gym for approximately 2 hours... Go me? haha. After an hour I start getting sluggish. Oh well. I'm just so haaaaaaaappppy!

Today, Today, and Tomorrow

     The past few days I feel like I'm making a lot of random people happy.. more so than usual. I feel all the kindness flowing off of me. Today a guy came in who ws probably 35.. I greeted him by saying hello. He smiled and stopped so I continued the pleasantry by asking how he was. He was like, meh.... I said oh, one of those days? He sais nah , on of those 17 years. I've had MS  for the past 17 years. I said   well, you're still here. He smiled at me like I said the best thing ever. He said, yeah, thanks for that.
   Thursday I'm going to a casino for the first time ever.. I'm excited but that might just be because I know the day after I get to go up and see Rob.
I'm trying to get in a lot of gym time before friday.. So I can look my best when I see him. The fact that I just blogged that and he may possibly see it? oops  Rob, if you read this blog, ignore that.

PS:I cannot wait til vacation. :)

You Are My Thunder

     My aunt wanted me to take a late night night road trip with her last night. I thought about saying no... because I was super tired. Then I felt like it needed to happen. It was the weirdest feeling. So I drove. killed my first animal with a car (To which I said to my aunt, That was my first road kill... I just killed an opossum, isn't that awesome? she laughed hardcore at my rhyming skills) We talked a lot  It was  a 4 hour drive. I realized our love lives are quite similar and as I talked about Rob... I began to realize a lot of things and it changed my whole perspective. I feel more.. acceptive and calm about everything right now. Like I have a whole new outlook and everything is okay.. and will be okay.

I Just Met You

    and this is crazy...
but here's my number.
So call me, maybe?
     I remember the first time I gave Rob my number. I was super nervous. I wrote it on a paper and wasn't sure if he'd call me or not. Crazy butterflies in my stomach the whole time. It was really a huge thing in my mind.. I was crossing a line I knew I couldn't uncross. One I never want to uncross.I'm so happy with everything that has happened since then... Even the downsides have their upsides.

Today Casey brought me lunch. He's soooo best friend material   <3
There may be new things for me soon at work. Maybe.
I'm not   sure if its the right thig but if the opportunity comes up.. i've decided to go for it. Why not?            

Oh! I See!

So much happened today, sadly I don't have time to blog about everything! 'til tomorrow!  <3

Contingency Plans

      It's always best to be at least somewhat prepared. When I'm alone I imagine different scenarios in my head and what I'd do to counter them. Example.. if Kmart ever wrote me up. I'd give them my two weeks notice. If Rob decides he won't leave his wife for me.. I will be moving to Florida with Casey and Carlos. If I gain more than 200 lbs in my life, I will go hide in a hole. See? Contingency plans. I am a naturally optimisti person.. So I'm always imagining the best to happen even when there's huge signs that say, Leanne! You're an idiot! This does not mean I can't sometimes be pessimistic in my head on occassion and then imagine somewhat optimistic things that could happen out of something bad.

What's New?

 For some reason both of my phones are wigging out on me today. At some point I will get a new phone.. you know... some day.   Haha. I went to the gym last night and besides the fact that I went with Shawn, yuck, I got a nice workout in. Which makes me feel great. I wish I could go every day. I'm sure my body appreciates me not going every day. ;)  I had to be dropped off at work early so I decided to come over and sit in Dunkin Donuts. I feel like no matter what, it's going to be an awesome day. I just feel it. I posted previously how I feel like something amazing is going to happen when it's warmer out. It's coming soooooon!
      Anyway, My new shoes make a huge difference. I didn't realize how much better my knees would feel.
    My driving test is in 11 days.
     I may go up to Burnham again next week.
    I should be starting my flower job next week.
      Somethig great is going to happen soon. I'm excited to see what it is.
      I think I'm pregnant.

     Hahaha! Just kidding.
    :)
    see? good mood today.
   Yay, Friday!

New Shoes

     I hate buying new shoes. This is only because I can never find a pair in my size. I wear a size 12, which means there's nothing to choose from unless I go for mens. Sigh.
      My mom brought me breakast in bed today. She went to the restaurant we always go to for breakfast.. and brought it to me. Along with an iced coffee. I thought maybe it's becauseI was dying and didn't know it but then she mentioned that she felt bad for dorgetting to bring me dinner yesterday after she said she would. Still, she didn't have to make it up but she did. My mom gives me such hardcore whiplash. Sometimes I'm sure Rob is just an amazing dream that occassionally occurs. Even when I get aggravated with him.. just the thought puts a face-splitting- grin on my face.

I got food on important papers.. that's bad, right? Right. gah
Apparently at work tomorrow my managr is giving us reviews. I'm nervous for mine, as I always am.

No Doubt

    When I love someone I really leave no doubt to that person that I love them . I give every bit of my heart to everyone I love.I'm sure this isn't the best practice but I can't help it. It's who I am. If I get hurt... well, I just have to deal.
    I had an amazing day yesterday. Things went so ... well. I got away from life for a whole day and it was fantastic. I even got Rob time, if you can't tell from how happy this post is compared to the last few. Either I forgot how much I love him or I fell even more in love with him yesterday.
     Fingers crossed that he keeps his word and does what he's suppose to today. You can do it Rob!
     <3

Today and Why Every Day is Important

     I could never take away my own life. Obviously when things are bad it crosses your mind that maybe it would be easier to die sooner. This is really not the case. It just shows your selfishness. You think you can take your life just because things get tough and it's not going to effect anyone but yourself? That it's only going to make your life, which would no longer be your life, easier? What about all the people who love you that you're leaving behind? No matter who you are, or how you act, I can assure you there is at least one person out there who loves you insanely and would die for you. Someone who understands you at least a little bit and losing you would devastate their life. There are people out there who have died.. for reasons beyond their control.. who had a worse life than you.. that I'm sure would come back in a heart beat. Don't take advantage of your life. Every day is a new day to make something good happen. Some times it's hard to realize it.. but you have control over your life  You have all that you need to make things better for yourself.Yes, it's hard. Whoever said life is easy? I had a best friend commit suicide. I love her but she left me with a feeling of.. Really? Why didn't you tell me how much you were hurting? Why wouldn't you share your burden with me? I really could've helped. That was the first time someone close to me had died. Exactly a year later.. my uncle, who was almost like a dad to me.. died from cancer. A few years later my sister, Jen, died from cancer. It just keeps making me realize how special life is and how easily it can be taken away. Then Cynthia's dad passed away. It was harder on me to see her go through that pain than it was for me to go through my own pain of the deaths in my life. It's bad enough this way. It's a million times worse when the decision for death was actually made.
     This morbid topic was on my mind because I just found out my cousin, Emily, has cancer in her kidnies. This girl is only 3 years younger than me.. but I've always felt.. like she was more my daughter  than anything. Not even so much a sister. I've just always been the motherly figure in her life. I love her. I'm quite distraught with this news.. but if anyone can survive it.. it's dedinitely her.

Nope, Sorry

   Today I spent the first hour of my shift spontaneously crying. Today it just hit me how awfully my life is going.. and I couldn't hold it in. Usually my outside emotions don't effect me at kmart... today is sooo a Monday. Carlos and Casey are quite distraught with seeing me crying.. though Casey said it's nice to know I get upset too and that I'm not always happy.. it makes him feel better about himself. Which I conpletely understand.
    The two of them said they would take me out tonight and we could do whatever I wanted. I'm happy they care so much but I'm still on an uneven edge of a cliff. What will happen?

Always Better in the Morning

     Whenever I have a bad day... I'm reassured by the fact that when I wake up in the morning the next day... I'll feel a thousand tines better. The past few days aren't folowing the usual pattern. I'm just so stressed. So. Insanely. Stressed. More than I think I've ever been. It's wearing on me. I need to just spend a day away from everything. Even then I'm not sure if that would help since I'm the type of person who never stops worrying. So things need to start going smoother and then I'll take a day away.
    I'm currently spending my weekend off at my brother/sister-in-law's and I'm having a lot of fun.... though it isn't quite the distraction I'd hoped it'd be. We visited with Laurie's family yesterday all day long and it's quite sad that I feel more comfortable with her family than I do mine. Mine are always just so damn stressful.Hers are so relaxed. Mine have had more hardships... I get that.. but sometimes it's nice to not be reminded. I understand that having a hard life makes you better appreciate the good things that happen but at this point... I will appreciate it all for the rest of my life if the bad stuff could just stop happenining.

Here's to hoping my depression will fade back into it's forgotten black hole once again.

Harder Than Others

     I hatesharing any of my negative feelings with anyone. I feel like I'm burdening them with problems they shouldn't have to worry about. I vented out to Rob through email how frustrated I am with his potential divorce.My feelings are quite extreme with it and I'm slightly tense waiting for him to reply.. if he even does. I'm afraid he won't choose me.. it's not because I doubt his love but because I doubt myself. So today I'm feeling lonely and having a hard time seeing a reason to even function. I'm so stressed and sometimes wish I could just let it all go.

Hello, Rainy Day

     The past 2 days have been super rainy. I love rainy days but I can't help but let it make me all drowsy and depressed. If I had off today all I would do is mope around and sleep! Or lay around all day and read a book. Either way it'd be a lazy day.
    On a happy note....   Well, I love the rain. I love Rob. I love my friends.

Tonight I'm going to spend the night at my brother's sister-in-law's and hang out with my nephew.. and attempt not to miss Rob too much, although it seens to clog up my mind more often than not.

Up and Down, Up and Down

I'm trying to keep my life up. It wasn't too hard but now my days are lacking Rob time. Which was what kept me out of my funk called life. Now I don't have his voice every day to cheer me up and assure me that everything is goig to be okay. I can only assure myself so much until I stop believing it.
    I used to believe for a long time that my mom only hung out with me because she wanted my money. Every time, she's be like.. Leanne, let's hang out! then at the end.. Leanne can I borrow money?   Borrowing usually means at some point she'd pay me back....Yeah...

In the past year, she seemed to have calmed down from this.. until 2 weeks ago when she started this again. She borrowed 300.. that I really couldn't afford to let her have.. and I don't see it ever getting back to me. This stresses me out insanely. I just want to move away from her so we can not have this kind of relationship. We have a long line of her fucking me over money wise. Oh, that 1000 dollars I told you I'd put in your bank account for college that way you wouldn't have to worry about traveling that far to get it in?
Fucked over.
I love my mom. She pisses me off. A lot. If money was never involved in our relationship we'd be fine....
Then there's the whole I can't talk to Rob on the phone and I've spent the past almost 2 months talking to him for at least two hours a day then going to absolutely nothing? it's murderous.
Then I want him every day and can't have him yet...
I have so much love in me to give to him and it:s building up.