Need To Unload My Emotions

For the blog that started out as a love blog...

   Well, I'm not going to lie. I'm still in love. Let me tell you, he gave me the best year of my life.. And even left me with a child. I miss him so bad, every day. Yes, he hurt me. But you have no idea what happiness he brought me. The reason it hurts to think about him, is because it still makes me happy but then my mind catches up when I realize he also makes me terribly sad. Mixing the two of them is painful. The worst part is, our relationship didn't end because we fought, or fell out of love. One day, he decided to feel guilty for his past relationship and left me. 

      I told him, the last time I saw him, that even though it's clicking in my head what's happening, I don't believe it's the end for us. He told me I wasn't stupid for thinkin that, just by a I was hopeful. Then he for mean. Anger is his way to control any other emotion. 

      At the beginning of our relationship he said, 'if anything ever takes us apart, I'll spend my life trying to find you again'. I wonder if he remembers saying that? I wonder if he thinks about me as often as I do him ? I wonder if he'll want a place in our child's life or if he thinks paying child support is the responsibility he needs to take up?

      I'm meeting his mother this week. He doesn't know it. I'm nervous but I want her to know me, and know my son.. And I want to know her.

My Life is Falling Down

       I'm not sure if so much agree with the phrase, 'it's better to have love and lost than to never have loved at all'. 

       Let me tell you, it's been a little over a month and my heart still shatters when I think of him. It may be even worst, seeing as I'm pregnant with his child that he seemed so happy about.. Now he doesn't want anything to do with me. He deleted his email. Not right away. I don't think he had checked it in a mob time. Yes, I was sending him emails.. But I knew he didn't check it. Then one day, my email got returned to me saying the email no longer existed. He wrote a blog during his married days, where he vented everything out.. And that's deleted too.  

         Was he thinking of me when he deleted it? Feeling at all sad for the fact that wasn't going to have me in his life? Or was he relieved because he thinks I'm going to disappear just as easily as that email? 

      I've tried talking to him, but it absolutely hurts.. Because he doesn't want to talk to me. I'm used to feeling love and warmth in his voice and now there's nothing. He said he doesn't even know if he's going to be involved in his child's life at all. How am I suppose to feel about that? We conceived our child out o love and now your backing out. I trusted you. With every last part of me. Where did that get me?

         I'm just assuming I wasn't enough for him. This is upsetting because I thought I was everything to him. He was everything to me. He's still everything to me. I still ache for him to hold me and fill me with his warmth. Whenever I have a phone call, either at work or on my cell, I still hold out hope that it's going to be him. I'm hoping someday he'll at least call me and apologize for doing what he promised on his own life he would never do. 

         My heart is just so shattered. I don't even know what to do anymore. I can't even picture my future. What's tomorrow going to bring? What's my child going to think of me, knowing me nor him were good enough to keep him in our lives?

When You Want to Dance

Or cry. There have been moments recently in my life where I could just cry with happiness. There have also been moments lately that make me wonder how it didn't break me. I haven't felt the need to share my life lately. I don't know why. I've loved blogging and thought it was a nice kind of self-competition to see if I could write every day. Then I think I got super happy and forgot about it. Even after the super happiness faded I still didn't write.

   Why am I writing tonight? I'm just kind of lonely. I just got my period and the day before and the days during I am so, so lonely. I even hung out with a friend tonight that I haven't seen in forever. It wasn't enough to get rid of the lonely feeling. So I'm laying on my bed trying to ignore how I feel.

    I've been putting in a lot of applications lately because I hate kmart anymore.

     I've been looking into jobs and apartments not in this town.

   My birthday is in exactly one week. All I want from anyone is a birthday card. It's always been my thing, to want a birthday card. I used to save all of them!

     I'm living with my mom still. We are currently in a house with no heat, no hot water, and no stove to cook on, seeing as it's a gas stove and our gas isn't turned on. I hate cold showers and not being able to eat.. And not being able to sleep because I'm too cold. I'm sorry. I needed to complain to someone. I can't always ignore it. 

    People say you control your own destiny but I'm having such a hard time getting out of this hole my mother has dug me into.

     Sigh.

What is Love?

Love is like seeing a new range of colors that you never knew existed. 

The type of colors that fill the void of emptiness you felt before. 

That make your heart soar with the fact that something so beautiful exists.

The colors are so bright, that there is no longer any dimly lighted moments. 

They sparkle.

There's renewed hope that there are more things you never knew existed. 

Renewed adventure. Renewed thoughts. 

Love is new, every day.

Missing You

I just wrote a blog for my other thing, www.iamle4nneblog.wordpress.com , about missing things. It made me actually think about what I miss. They have the saying that goes, 'you can't miss what you never had'. I don't believe hats true. I do miss what I haven't had. Or maybe what I had, but can't remember having. I hate dwelling on the things I don't have or never had, because I'd rather concentrate on what I have and what I can Change.... But sometimes it's hard not to think of everything. It's also hard to change things that have been occurring for so long. Aka: helping people at work. Josh told me that people take advantage of my help because its known that I help whoever needs it. You know what? I love helping people in our store because I know what it's like not toget help. I know what it's like to have the stress of not knowing how something is going to get done. BUT I would LOVE to be thanked. If you don't thank me, then please don't ever expect me to help your ungrateful ass out. There's other things I could be doing for my own department to make it better. I don't have to say yes. Grrr.

    I haven't been to the gym in forever. I think that's my problem. I went today, and of course felt much better. I really shouldn't stop going because my emotions seem to get up too high when I don't go.

    Would you like an update on Rob? I don't know. There isn't a good way to describe it. Just: I don't know. That's going to have to be good enough for now. 

     So much stress in my life. I thought I got rid of a lot of it. Apparently not.

These Four Words

    I had the most ridiculous morning. It was seriously kind of funny how inconveniently everything was going for me. I went to work, had a decent day. Two hours before my shift ended I got hit with a wave of sleepiness. I also had a headache all day and couldn't concentrate. No more vacations! Apparently a week away makes me a ditz. So I leave work and call Laurie, my sister in law, and we talk about random things for almost 1 1/2 hours. Now I'm laying on my bed, soaking in the air conditioning, listening to music. I told someone about the the blog challenge that I'm doing on www.iamleanneblog.wordpress.com and that tomorrow's topic is, what would you say you do if you couldn't describe your job? I was like, well... I breathe... And.. Sleep.. And read books.  I stay fancy? And this friend replied in an awesome way, but sadly, my loves, you will not know the answer tomorrow until I write my blog!

First Day, A New Day

    It was my first day back to work today, after my vacation. My boss called me in early to do a project for him. Though it was 4 1/2 hours earlier than what I was scheduled, I didn't mind. A project? I love projects! So I went in today and it was nice. I had to cover breaks up front, order money, get overrides, get called all over the store... But it was nice. Apparently everyone knows hat I'm back and they were taking complete advantage.

     It made me miss the floor even more. I love that freedom. 

     So I left Kmart, changed my clothes, and walked to giant(grocery store) to grab Klondike bars, and walked back to Kmart to drop them off. I knew it'd be hot and I wanted them to know I love them.

     Yep.

      My life.

My Online Diary

     I really like this blog because I can post whatever I want and I don't have to worry about people judging me. I can express my feelings without getting whiplash. With a lot of people, I feel that way... Like they won't shoot me down. Then there are some people who would very willingly take hits at me. Maybe, some day, I'll share I with everyone. For now, it's just to the random people who find m blog and a few of my close friends.
    I started a new blog that people I know, can actually see. Www.iamle4nneblog.wordpress.com
     I actually started it because I was randomly surfing the web and found this one blogger who did a challenge to write a list of things for each day of the month. I loved the idea of having a topic to write about. I also loved the idea of maybe getting some of my friends involved. So I posted it on Facebook and I was happy when Laurie joined the band wagon! Then came more people. I'm so pleased. It's nice to have a group of us doing this together. It's interesting to see our diversities and similarities.. Too read the different flow and rythm of words from people.

Reading A Cosmopolitan Magazine

We just moved again into a new house. Instead of settling in I'm laying on my bed reading. What am I reading? A cosmopolitan magazine. I was going to read a book but they are all still packed up and I really don't feel like digging. It's a rain day and all I want to do is lay on my bed and relax. I only have two days left of my vacation. I want to make them the best! Even if it means doing absolutely nothing.

     The one article I'm reading right now says, imagine an adult. Then she says when she thinks of an adult, she thinks of her 4th grade teacher. Why did she go so far back in time? Because in our pop-culture landscape.. There really aren't any adult idols. They are kidults. I thought of this as quite intriguing because its true and I really haven't ever thought of it!

     It also pushes the word 'careers' at me. It's always a reminder of what I want to do and don't know how.

    Update on life: I spent quality time with Alicia yesterday. I took her out to a very pricey dinner at a Chinese buffet, which is apparently more expensive on weekends. We walked through some stores at the TJ Maxx plaza. I bought her boyfriend some Chinese food too because I really like him. He treats her so much nicer than any boyfriend she has had before.  Then we came home, moved our beds upstairs, and relaxed.

^my new recipe. I suppose they have tons of recipes like this.. But gosh. It was so good! Ground sausage, onions, peppers, Colby jack cheese, hash browns, eggs.. A few seasonings.. Ta da!

If You Had One More Day

  I just read a book and it was great! It was large print so it wasn't as long as I thought it would be... But it didn't need to be long to get the point across.

   A drunkard tries to commit suicide. He has lost his family to his depression of his mother dying. He decides no one will care And he goes off to kill himself where he grew up. On the way there (he's driving drunk) he gets in a car accident. He's ejected from his car. Then that's where it takes over in his head that he goes to a tower to jump off and die.. But alas! He has failed at his '2nd' attempted suicide. He then finds himself at the house where he grew up. And his mom opens the door! Even though she's been dead!  In disbelief he goes in and they spend one more day together. They go through his past and present and at the end, he wakes up at the car accident. Ready to live his life with the love he should have been first.

    It made me think.. What would you do and say if you had one more day with a person close to you that you lost?

My Parents... Or Not Parents?

    Yesterday, I accidentally let everything bad about my childhood slip through while I was talking to Rob. I really keep it in check, because I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. Shawn (my ex) doesn't even know half of it and I was with him for 7 years. So as it was spewing out of my mouth, I realized how not-so-good my parents are. My mother was rarely around. Then she had us move everywhere once I turned 13-14. Never settling down longer than 3 months and it was usually only 1-2 moths on average. I continued to go to my high school that I had always gone to.. Except once when I spent 2 months at another one. She continuously stole my money when I had a job. Everyone always says to me.. You've had a job for the past 5 years and you didn't save any money? How do you expect me to? My mom used to be able to get into my bank account because she was friends with the bank tellers.

    My dad? He was depressed until I turned 21. He says now, because my brother told him how sometimes we didn't have food, why didn't you tell me? I would've helped. I would have given you a place to live. 

    He knew about it.. He just ignored it. He didn't care about anyone but himself. Now he's feeling bad when it's too late.  

    Sometimes I feel like I grew up without parents. My brother and I were the only ones we had. Then Alicia came along.. I've been baby sitting her since I was 7 ( the year she was born). She used to call me Mom number 2.

    Now that I told Rob about it, all the angsty feelings of the past are pouring out of me. I had to play music last night to distract my mind and allow me to sleep.

Why Do You Want To Marry Me?

    I just had a random thought of the movie, Sweet Home Alabama. One of the movie quotes is, "why do you want to be married to me" and the reply is "so I can kiss you whenever I wanna!" I think this is a good reason to want to marry someone ;) gosh. 

    I'm at work, I came in early. I was actually planning on having my mom drop me off at dunkin donuts.. Last second I was like, actually.. I really don't want coffee. How weird is that thought!? Especially when I'm thinking it! 

    Last night, i woke up once every hour because I couldn't stop dreaming weird dreams. Most of them revolved around Kmart and one of them was meeting Rob's father, who has been, not alive, for 5 years.

   I've been thinking about that because a few weeks ago we were talking about how his youngest will never meet him and his other children won't really even remember him.. And he deserves to be remembered. Everyone does, for that matter.

    I hope I'll be remembered. I hope I've made such an impact on people's live that they will always remember me.

    Gah. I wish I could've called off today. I don't want to work!! One more day... Just... 9... To...530... I can do this!

2 days!.... Just Two More Days!

     My vacation is in two days and it is not coming soon enough. The funny part is, for my first 3 years I didn't take a vacation or any vacation days. I didn't need to. I loved Kmart and didn't want to leave it. Then came year 4, and though I loved Kmart, I wanted to take a break from it. Year 5? Yeah. It's draining me. Year 6? I may not go back. I'm sure they won't miss me too much. I'm just hoping that all my hard work doesn't go to waste and get all screwed up while I'm gone. I don't care too much. At least , I won't care while I'm on vacation.

     I am just so excited to do the whole vacation thing. The possibilities are endless of things I'm able to do. Even if I don't do anything, it's the fact that I had the possibility to do it. I've been super tired lately. I can't break out of it. Vacation, will you help, I wonder?

      I went to the fireworks with Casey Carlos and Erika. Every year, even when I was younger, I always felt so alone. Even when i wasn't alone I couldn't shake the feeling. This year was different, and that's important to me.

Mmmm, Goldfish Puffs

    New Goldfish puffs? They taste like not-as-cheesy-but-still-cheesy Cheetos cheese puffs.. And they're super awesome because their mouths are open! So cute!

     I went into work at 4 am today. It's a good thing I was exhausted yesterday and fell asleep at 530pm! Or else I would have been completely dead today. Now I'm laying on my bed, trying to convince myself I get up and shave my legs or something. Haha. Or even read! But my body is just like.. Leanne, sit your butt down and do not move. And I'm like blah! I hate relaxing!

    Speaking of relaxing.. My vacation is in 3 days. I have off tomorrow and I'm planning on going to a cookout with Carlos and Casey. Then off to the fire works!

    I really haven't posted my inner emotions lately. I'm not sure what they are right now. Everything feels.. Light, happy, very surface-like. I can't seem to bring myself down into any kind of funk. It's like there's a wall there keeping me from feeling any kind of upset. I don't remember placing it there either. If I could have done something like this, I would have done it sooner! So I'm just feeling mello. And hot.

    Cheers!

Mango/coconut Honey Bunches of Oats

     I bought mango and coconut honey bunches of oats.. And finally tried it this morning.. I think that both the flavored are too overpowering and they shouldn't have put them both in one box. Oh well, it's edible ;)

    Yesterday I got Erika, Casey, and Carlos around for a picnic at Indian park. We went to Weis and grabbed a bunch of different foods. It was a last minute picnic so I didn't have to make anything. We got pizza, potato salad, chicken, crackers, cheese, etc. it was quite an assortment! I took over 100 pictures of them. 

    Then I went home.. Walked to the store to get Alicia stuff for pizza, which she is lucky I lie her south because it was so hot and humid out! Ugh.

   I came home.. Passed out.. At 530 pm. Woke up to a phone call at 1030 from Kmart. It threw me off a little bit because, well, Kmart closes at 10....

     It was josh asking me to come in wake today(Wednesday). He was going to have me come in at 6.. But since I had been sleeping all day, I figured, what the heck? Why not at 4am!?

    So right now, I'm sitting on my bed... Drinking coffee, waiting for my day to begin.

Review Of The Movie, The Heat

I just got back from a date with my cousin, Erika, Carlos, and Casey. We went to see the heat. It was hilarious!! I was laughing the whole time! I heard a lot of mixed reviews but I enjoyed it. The actors played their roles well and the plot was great!

    I almost didn't go with them. I was feeling exhausted and grumpy. Then I realized how lame that excuse was. I'm happy I hanged my mind and went with them. I am so lucky to have my friends in my life. I've finally found my life time friends. They all understand me and love me how I love them. I haven't had that all my life and now I'm surrounded by it. Words can't describe how much of an impact they make on my life. They complete me. They give me hope and support.. Help me move forward.

Thank you

Vacation Is Where I Want to be

      If I had my way, I'd spend the whole week at the beach. Alone. Or not alone. Actually either way would be fine. I haven't been to the beach in 10 years. Sadly, my current money situation will not allow it. So here are my plans:

    -have a picnic with Carlos and Casey

     - take ^ them somewhere neat that they haven't been 

      -spend the night at my brother's house. 

     - spend a day with my dad because it's his vacation too.

    -if I'm not pregnant, drink with Carlos and Casey. Or spend a night cuddling with them. 

    -work a little with the flowers but avoid major Kmart things.

    -spend an evening with Travis, to catch up on things.

    - hopefully spend time with other friends I miss and haven't had time for. Aka, Cynthia, Courtney, etc.(family is also included in this one)

Those are my only ideas so far. I'm excited to finally have time for everyone.

    I jus drank an iced coffee. I'm feeling awesome but I really don't want to go back out into the heat. It'll only be for 2 minutes but it's quite intense outside. Maybe I shouldn't move to Florida. Haha

    I spent half my day working in jewelry. 

    Every customer I had was super nice.

    I did have a family come in.. Mother, father, son. They were buying their 12 year old son a wedding ring. He got a size smaller so could 'grow into it'. Apparently he's getting married next week. I am not joking when I say he was 12....

Onion Breath

     The worst possible breath, even worse than garlic breath, is onion breath! Gosh! It is so impossible to get rid of! Yesterday, for my cousin's birthday, we had a cookout of sorts. One of the dips was pico de gallo. Onions galore. I hate raw onions, but this stuff is banging. I ate a lot.. Came home and brushed my teeth.. And still woke up in the middle of the night with awful onion breath.

     I'm not sure what it is, but for the past two days, my memory has been on the blitz. At work, I can't remember where I sent people to work.. I actually ended up writing it down and even then I forgot to write some of them down and forgot they were even working.. I can't recall details of the past two days. I'm not overly stressed... Well, not more than usual. I was actually in a  Super happy mood today. People noticed. I was that happy. It's been a while since I've felt so light inside. It was great.

   My vacation is in a week! I'm so excited!!

    Wanna know my plans? I'll let you know in the next blog!

Crazy Stalker, Help?

    I got a random message from this boy on Facebook. He dated some girl, that was a friend of one of my friends. So he added me onto Facebook a few years ago. Never has he messaged me, commented on anything, 'liked' anything. When I see him at Kmart, sometimes we don't even bother saying 'Hi' to each other. So2 days ago I get a message saying 'sup' from him. No question mark. Just, 'sup'. So of course I think, what.. Does he think he's cool? Since Facebook shows when someone reads a message.. I decided to not be rude and answer him back. I said, nothing. You? He took that as an invite to blow up my inbox complaining about his ex girlfriend.. Oh and then hitting on me, which also led into him being perverted. Okay, the whole perverted thing? Not cool to do to someone you don't know. I found it awkward. Does he think I'm easy? Does he think because my relationship status says 'single' that I have a low self esteem and will go after guy who seems attracted to me? Sorry buddy,besides the fact that there is nothing at all about you I'm attracted to.. Well, actually, that pretty much sums it up. You lack any kind of personality and I wouldn't even pick you to be a friend of mine. Maybe if you weren't a perverted a-hole who won't shut up about your exes.. No, sorry. Too annoyed. 

     Anyway, the past 3 days have been super happy. I like it.

Caramel Swirl Iced Coffee

     When I was younger, I used to drink my mom's coffee. She'd only put creamer in it. I thought it left it with a nice smash of flavor. Then I went through a phase where I couldn't drink coffee. It just kept tasting bad. My older brother told me that all I had to do was keep trying different variances so I could find the perfect one that I'd like. I kept trying. And trying... And trying.. It took me a few years. I can't even remember exactly why I tried an iced coffee. All I know is after lots of flavors, I found I looooove caramel swirl, black. Yum!!

     So my life is just as confusing as ever. I've finally made the decision to move on from Kmart. I know I've been saying his but I finally feel it in my heart to move on. It's just time.

    Carlos and Casey want me to move to Florida later this year with them. Yes or no?