Vacation Is Where I Want to be

      If I had my way, I'd spend the whole week at the beach. Alone. Or not alone. Actually either way would be fine. I haven't been to the beach in 10 years. Sadly, my current money situation will not allow it. So here are my plans:

    -have a picnic with Carlos and Casey

     - take ^ them somewhere neat that they haven't been 

      -spend the night at my brother's house. 

     - spend a day with my dad because it's his vacation too.

    -if I'm not pregnant, drink with Carlos and Casey. Or spend a night cuddling with them. 

    -work a little with the flowers but avoid major Kmart things.

    -spend an evening with Travis, to catch up on things.

    - hopefully spend time with other friends I miss and haven't had time for. Aka, Cynthia, Courtney, etc.(family is also included in this one)

Those are my only ideas so far. I'm excited to finally have time for everyone.

    I jus drank an iced coffee. I'm feeling awesome but I really don't want to go back out into the heat. It'll only be for 2 minutes but it's quite intense outside. Maybe I shouldn't move to Florida. Haha

    I spent half my day working in jewelry. 

    Every customer I had was super nice.

    I did have a family come in.. Mother, father, son. They were buying their 12 year old son a wedding ring. He got a size smaller so could 'grow into it'. Apparently he's getting married next week. I am not joking when I say he was 12....

Onion Breath

     The worst possible breath, even worse than garlic breath, is onion breath! Gosh! It is so impossible to get rid of! Yesterday, for my cousin's birthday, we had a cookout of sorts. One of the dips was pico de gallo. Onions galore. I hate raw onions, but this stuff is banging. I ate a lot.. Came home and brushed my teeth.. And still woke up in the middle of the night with awful onion breath.

     I'm not sure what it is, but for the past two days, my memory has been on the blitz. At work, I can't remember where I sent people to work.. I actually ended up writing it down and even then I forgot to write some of them down and forgot they were even working.. I can't recall details of the past two days. I'm not overly stressed... Well, not more than usual. I was actually in a  Super happy mood today. People noticed. I was that happy. It's been a while since I've felt so light inside. It was great.

   My vacation is in a week! I'm so excited!!

    Wanna know my plans? I'll let you know in the next blog!

Crazy Stalker, Help?

    I got a random message from this boy on Facebook. He dated some girl, that was a friend of one of my friends. So he added me onto Facebook a few years ago. Never has he messaged me, commented on anything, 'liked' anything. When I see him at Kmart, sometimes we don't even bother saying 'Hi' to each other. So2 days ago I get a message saying 'sup' from him. No question mark. Just, 'sup'. So of course I think, what.. Does he think he's cool? Since Facebook shows when someone reads a message.. I decided to not be rude and answer him back. I said, nothing. You? He took that as an invite to blow up my inbox complaining about his ex girlfriend.. Oh and then hitting on me, which also led into him being perverted. Okay, the whole perverted thing? Not cool to do to someone you don't know. I found it awkward. Does he think I'm easy? Does he think because my relationship status says 'single' that I have a low self esteem and will go after guy who seems attracted to me? Sorry buddy,besides the fact that there is nothing at all about you I'm attracted to.. Well, actually, that pretty much sums it up. You lack any kind of personality and I wouldn't even pick you to be a friend of mine. Maybe if you weren't a perverted a-hole who won't shut up about your exes.. No, sorry. Too annoyed. 

     Anyway, the past 3 days have been super happy. I like it.

Caramel Swirl Iced Coffee

     When I was younger, I used to drink my mom's coffee. She'd only put creamer in it. I thought it left it with a nice smash of flavor. Then I went through a phase where I couldn't drink coffee. It just kept tasting bad. My older brother told me that all I had to do was keep trying different variances so I could find the perfect one that I'd like. I kept trying. And trying... And trying.. It took me a few years. I can't even remember exactly why I tried an iced coffee. All I know is after lots of flavors, I found I looooove caramel swirl, black. Yum!!

     So my life is just as confusing as ever. I've finally made the decision to move on from Kmart. I know I've been saying his but I finally feel it in my heart to move on. It's just time.

    Carlos and Casey want me to move to Florida later this year with them. Yes or no?

Automatic Dispensers in the Bathroom

I like the automatic toilets. I don't like to touch the handle to make it flush. I like automatic soap dispensers. Usually the aim is good and I have enough on my hands. I hate the automatic faucets in the sink. I'd like to choose how warm I want it and make it last longer. They should give you choices. Hold your hand per this sensor or that one depending on how you want it. Oh and the soap things that are too close to the sink and squirt you randomly while you're trying to get the soap off! Ugh. The. There's the automatic paper towel dispensers that are so hard to make work! I've tried a lot of them.. They never seem to accept my hand. 

     Anyway, today I'm going on a day trip to a random place with my sister, mom and stepdad.

I'll let you know where we end up!

I Love Old Diners

     Or any diner for that matter. I know there's a lot of old things that are pretty much obsolete... I hope diners are never one of them. I love how small and cozy they are. I love the ones that kept to the originality.. Aka, juke boxes, old signs, poodle skirts! It really helps me to forget about the troubles of the outside world. I feel like when you walk in, instead of going back in time.. Time stops and you're taken to a place where time doesn't exist. It just is what it is. 

   Plus, there's always great food!

This is old and unique too! I can't believe the building is still around.

Me today!

Chicken Soup For The Soul

     I've honestly never really liked reading the chicken soup for the soul book. I've only opened up a few but every time I just couldn't get into them. I love sappy encouragement as much as the next person, but there's just something about the ..

     I didn't go to sleep until midnight last night and had to be in for work at 6. For some people, I suppose 5 hours of sleep is okay? Okay, probably not. So you can relate. I'm so dead tired.. I just want to lay my head down on something and pass out. There's actually something about this week that has prevented me from getting a full nights rest. It's slightly inconvenient. 

     I spent 3 hours last night hanging out with these two little girls. The last hour, Laurie brought hunter down to play. I love children. So much! I want to have my own pretty bad. 

     We walked to the park, the older one said, 'because walking is better for you than driving!' She just turned 4.. And I liked that a 4 year old knew that. The other girl is 2. We went to the park, threw rocks in the creek, watched a guy play tennis for 15 minutes... Walked back to my house and painted rocks, and watched caillou. So. Much. Fun!

The Word 'Dislike'

     I don't usually hate people....

     I think I hate my mom. 

     When I'm pissed at her.. I don't remember what it's like to love her.

     I'm so pissed.

     She's ruining my life.

     Or just not helping.

     Stop taking my flippin' money you stupid.... POS

     You want me to move out and have my own life!?

     Then back off and stop being such a whiney beggar who's addicted to bingo. 

Okay?

Okay.

Chocolate Chip Cookies

   One of my coworker's brother is loving on me. This is not a good thing. He's creepy. I inadvertently gave him the idea that next time he sees me he needs to have chocolate chip cookies.
     Last night, I got drunk for the first time in like.. 6 months. I had a freaking blast at Carlos' surprise birthday/murder mystery party(also a masquerade). I really wish someone would have a surprise birthday for me... I don't even know ifnincan imagine anyone doing it.
    My trip to Burnham was amazing as always.. But ended on a slightly ominous note. I won't go into too much detail.. But gosh.
    Today, one of my coworkers told me that  he'd be happy to see people thank me every once in a while.. Because he doesn't think they notice that I am, in fact, a low paid hourly associate who is NOT an assistant manager. He also noted that some people see this treatment as something special and they get jealous.. But they don't see all the hard work I do and all the extra stress I take on to be everything they need me to be.
    I was like, that actually means a lot for someone to notice the great things I do!
     I do feel under appreciated sometimes.
     Anyway, I'm exhausted from lack of sleep, drinking, and working late.. So I'm calling it a night.
    Happy birthday to Carlos who fills my heart with continuous happiness!
     And I'm sending all my love out to those I love. Sleep well.  <3

Sleepy Face!

     I got 2 hours of sleep last night before driving up to Millhall with my aunt and cousin. The 2 hours weren't even in a row. What for? To see Rob, obviously. An I crazy? Yes, everyone knows that though. I love Rob, but I'm not going to lie and say I wouldn't do it for all the other important people in my life.. Because I would in a heart beat. All of the people in my life are important a d deserve my heart and adoration . Anyway.. I drove up there.. Impatiently waited for Rob, and when I saw him.. Well, I'm pretty sure when I'm not around him I forget how much I really love him. My heart just squeals with happiness every time.
Today is the ultimatum day.
Today is also something else special that I can't risk putting on here because the person may find out!
Muwahaha.
I'm so thankful that my aunt understands my love enough to get me a way up to Millhall. <3

Am I Really That Great?

        I posted happy birthday, along with a few other kind word, for Casey's mom, on Facebook. I really love this lady. She makes me feel like such a positive influence on the world. She's also one of those moms who loves everyone as her own. This is what she replied:

Oh my, sweetheart! Your birthday wishes are so moving. One thing you should know about me is that I can recognize someone who has a true and honest character. I knew when I met you that you were someone very special. Your soul shines bright and golden. You are very rare indeed and I have never met someone as pure as you. Don't ever change. The world needs someone like you in it. My world sure is a better place now that you are in it. I love you and thanks again for the blessings! 

Did I cry? Yes. 

Finally, An Actual Day Off

      I haven't left my house yet today. It's amazing. I'm being insanely lazy on my day off. I woke up, made breakfast, watched a movie, made homemade brownies, laid out in the sun with my sister, and now I'm watching another movie. I'm hopefully seeing Carlos and Casey in a bit. Maybe looking for a car to buy.. Might work for a few hours in the flowers tonight.. Read a book, talk to Rob.
     I'm enjoying myself.. And not thinking of Kmart at all.
      Mmmmmm.

How Do You Know You Are Having A Bad Day?

      Well, let me enlighten you. I haven't heard from Rob in 3 days, which is always a downer. So I woke up this morning and couldn't get myself to want to get out of bed. I slowly got around for the day and realized I look as exhausted as I feel.. So I tried to make myself look slightly more lively with make up. That didn't work. I even did my hair. Still feel awful. I looked at the weather app on my phone. It said it wasn't going to rain until 945 and it was 850! So I was like, score. So I started walking to Kmart to work with flowers... And I got 3/4 the way there.. And realized i forgot something. My mom works until 245.. And I needed it as soon as I got to kmart... So I walked back.. Grabbed it.. Went to shut the back door.. Literally almost fell because my body wasn't going where I wanted it to. So halfway back to Kmart... The skies opened up! Great. Got to Kmart and went outside because the rain let out a little bit. Then it started pouring... Carlos put me in a poncho, though I told him I'd rather just get soaked and mope in the rain, and I looked like a Giant, yellow duck. Cynthia is having a bad day. I wish she wasn't. Then I went up front and Travis is having a bad day. Susy is working and giving me a headache. I'm not even working yet And her voice is driving me insane. So I walked over to dunkin donuts To get an iced coffee.. The whipped cream is all melted on top and I popped the lid off and little white specks flew everywhere. 

      I probably won't be able to take Carlos and Casey for a picnic tomorrow.

      I'm sick of waiting for Rob to make up his kind. I gave him 'til Saturday but gosh, I'm impatient. Especially when he doesn't call me. I'm expecting the worse just because I feel like I don't deserve the happiness he brings. That's how I feel right now, though usually my thought is, I do deserve mad crazy happiness, damnit. I'm just having a bad day and that's making me feel sorry for myself.

      I'm ready to drown myself in my work.

Losing Weight

      When I look in a mirror I still don't entirely recognize myself. I'm like, hey, do I really look this thin? Wow. I'm the kind of person who ALWAYS looks at a mirror if it's around. Not for the reason you'd think. I don't check my hair or anything. Some days I go and do something and have no idea what my hair even looks like! It's short now but I suppose it was especially bad when it was long. So why do I look in the mirrors? To make faces. Why? I have no idea. Even if it's just a raise of my eyebrows.. Then I look at my face and think, that looks prettier than it used to. Then I look at my stomach and think... How did I do that? It's funny because at first thought I'm like, I don't know how I lost so much weight! Then I think back and I do know. In the past 6 years I've made a Bunch of changes to my life style. It been by trial And error but every year.. I lose just a little more weight. I wasn't necessarily trying at first. I wanted to lose weight but wasn't sure how. Then I stopped eating so much. Then I started walking more.. Eating wheat bread instead of white. Stopped drinking soda, going to the gym. I'm figuring out how to live a healthy life style but still having fun. I don't stop myself from eating pizza, chips, etc. I find myself not wanting candy bars anymore because I think in my head, 'hell no! That's 400 calories! Do you know how long that takes to burn off at the gym!? Haha.

My mom has finally gotten a job in over 6 years. I'm not Sure where it is. I was too exhausted last night to ask.
Yesterday was also her birthday and I made her a chocolate came with peanut butter icing she was excited, of course!

We Are Two in a Million.

    I used to love watching S Club 7. I always found the music rather catchy. That's the only thing I can actually remember. The music, that is. My memories are slightly blurry. The only time I remember things is when another memory sparks it. Which is why, if you're with me, I may randomly blurt something out.
     Today, I'm having a good hair day. Aka my day hasn't gotten too bad. I also put makeup on to ensure that no matter what, some part of me looks nice which gives me an extra bump of confidence.
      I love iced coffees.
     What else is going on today!?
     After work I'm probably going of to eat with my brother, Laurie, hunter, and my dad. My dad gave  them the choice of Denny's or Pizza Hut... And since Pizza Hut makes Laurie sick... Well, they have decided on Denny's. which I have been boycotting for 2 years because they always give me the worse service. I've been completely forgotten 5 times. Drinks have been spilled on me twice. My food is cold 9 out of 10 times. Why would I go back? I've only gone the past few times because the people I go with are like, we never get bad service! Come with us! And every time they're like. Well, maybe it's just you.
      Which is crazy because I am insanely pleasant to them! Every time!! Gah. Maybe that's it. Or they suck.
      I have had bad service at other places too. It really must be me.
      I'm excited that I only work 9-5 today, by the way. It means I actually have the rest of my day to do whatever I want!

My Life, My Future

     Everyone's past is important. It shapes you into the person you are today, whether it be good or bad. I've had a hard past. Thankfully half way through my life I found people to help get me through it. I can assure you there have been plenty of moments where I could've died and I would not have cared. I'm sure everyone has those moments. Everyone needs to hit rock bottom a few times. It helps you to better appreciate the good things you have in life. I'm really not one to dwell on the past. I don't need anyone's sympathy. I live In the present and look forward to a brighter future, while always trying to not live in the past. What's done is done, you can only learn from it and shape the rest of your world.
      I was reading cosmopolitan and there's a bunch of articles on women who found there calling pretty much randomly.  I wish I had that luck. I'm going to be hitting my 6 year mark for Kmart in October and I am no closer to figure out my career than I was at the beginning of this job. It's so hard to figure out what my calling is. I try to think of what I'm good at.... Making people happy. Does this mean I should be a therapist? I think therapists have an insanely important job.. But I want to also help people who don't realize they need help. I love to cook. I'm not so sure I'd like how nonintimate it is to serve in a restaurant. What if I have a day where I don't want to cook??? What if it's all in my mind how great I am? I love photography. I walk past places all the time and just imagine where is have people posing. My graphics teacher told me I had the 'eye' for photography. Is that enough? Finding a job now is hard. I can't afford college right now. I wish I could. The real problem is that there are so many careers I'd be happy with.. And it makes it hard to choose!
    When I try to imagine my future.. I can't see anything but two steps ahead. I have so much hope but nothing is close.

Today is Free Donut Day

      If you buy any beverage at Dunkin Donuts today, you get a free donut! Yay, national donut day! Really. I just want my coffee. Hurry back to the car mom! Haha
     I'm super tired today. I almost thought about saying screw the flowers.. And just going in for Kmart time. Then I was like no.. We just got a bunch of new flowers in.. And Carlos needs me to work them out... Sigh.
    So I finally got our of the house to come to work and I'm sitting in the breakroom thinking..
    Fml.

Marketing Strategy

    Before you ask.. No, this is not marketing strategy. Haha. I couldn't think of a good title for my day. It's currently 9am. I woke up at 8 because I really had to pee! I was like, no! I want to sleep in more!! But now I'm feeling so much better than I have in days because I actually got sleep. I'm very excited about this. My legs also don't hurt as bad as they did yesterday. I have off today.. But will more than likely be going in to work flowers. Mostly because Carlos is there.
    So I'm about to shower, might watch a movie because I haven't done that in forever.. Or read a book, which I may not read because I won't be able to stop.
     Then a gym date when Carlos gets off work.
     Maybe I can read after that?
     I'm determined to have a good day. Seriously.

Taaaa Daaa!

    What's there to say? I had a horrid day.. But I love my friends.  <3

Exhausted But Content

    Today, I've definitely lifted more than I should have. My body is worn out but my mind is happy with having to be motivated to do it. I will admit I probably should not have moved all of the cinder blocks that I did. My back is starting to ache.
    I also had to buy a new shirt because my other one for ruined by all the dirt. At least it's a super cute shirt!
    After work, Carlos and I are going to the gym but I think I'm only doing cardio. My whole body hurts.
    The longer this goes on, the more pessimistic I get. It's just so inconvenient . And I love him.. And if he really loves me like he says he does, he won't let me suffer too much longer. Right? Right.
     Men.
     I thought today, well if he doesn't choose me I'm sure someone else could love me. What's wrong with that? I didn't think, oh I could love someone else. Just that someone could love me. Then I thought of how I feel when he touches me. And how it feels when he calls me.. Or texts me.. Or looks at me...
    That's exactly why I haven't oven up. How could he feel that way about me and not pick me at the end? We can hope.
     Life is nothing without hope.
      Anyway, wish me luck with surviving the rest of my day!
     <3

Grumble, Grumble, Harrumph.

      I am in such a grumbling mood. Grumble this, grumble that. I'm sleepy, rargh. I don't want to go to work because I'd rather curl up in a ball today and feel sorry for myself. Sigh.
      I'm allowed to have a day of that, right? I'm not sure I've ever done that but today feels like it could be that daaaaay!
      So freaking frustrated...
      Gah!
       Blah!
      -deep breath inserted here-
    Okay, everything happens for a reason.
     Everything will work out sometime.
      I hate waiting. I hate uncertainty. I hate how annoying and money-driven my mom is.
     I'm annoyed that I want Rob so much, because it hurts to not have him when I want him, which is all the time.
    I'm annoyed with Kmart because it's so repetitive in an awful way. Even the drama is repetitive, predictable, and ridiculous.
    See? Bad mood.

Just Another Day

     It's just another day. Not like my day isn't really nice, because it is! It's just the same as usual. Flowers in the morning, gym with Carlos in the afternoon... Dinner with my dad tonight. Missing Rob, wishing I could see him today...
    Oh! And it's Laurie's 25th birthday!! I love birthdays. My birthday has never really been all that great... Which may be why I try to make everyone's unforgettable every year. I want them to have something special and meaningful that makes their heart happy. I made Laurie a homemade birthday card, since they are my specialty.. And she loves them. I also brought her a delicious cupcake from Burnham. She was thrilled. As was hunter when he saw me. :D he makes me feel amazing. Part of Laurie's birthday card informed her that I love that she was born. She was my first best friend and the first person to make me feel like I was worth something. I've always had a lot of friends but no one I could click with.. I always felt like I was missing something. Then when I was 13 I met her and she made me feel important. She still does. Now I have a lot of people in my life that make me feel important but I can never forget that she was the first one.
    So really, it's not just another day. It's a very nice day!

   Edited: Laurie said the card made her almost cry and that the cupcake was the best she ever had.. And that I should get her another one next time I go. Haha

So, Today

I just had the two days off and I wasn't ready to come back to work. I'm trying to imagine what it's going to be like after my vacation. I came into work, after doing flower things, to a mad house. It was pure insanity and I felt like I was being ripped into 4 people. It was great for the most part. Sometimes I need a rush and the feeling of aria lot being needed/useful. Sometimes I don't feel necessary upfront so it's nice to use a day where I am.
     Tomorrow I have off again. Super psyched. My day is going to consist of, flowers, gym, laurie(it's her birthday tomorrow) and dinner with my dad. I'm not really in the mood to hang out woth my dad. Sometimes I just like to hide from people. Especially because my annoying cousin will be there. Thankfully, he just wants me to make hot sausages. That's super easy and quick compared to what he usually has me make.
    So I'm at dunkin donuts, thinking about the direction of my life. How thankful I am for what I have and the things I still want. Day dreaming.