When You Want to Dance

Or cry. There have been moments recently in my life where I could just cry with happiness. There have also been moments lately that make me wonder how it didn't break me. I haven't felt the need to share my life lately. I don't know why. I've loved blogging and thought it was a nice kind of self-competition to see if I could write every day. Then I think I got super happy and forgot about it. Even after the super happiness faded I still didn't write.

   Why am I writing tonight? I'm just kind of lonely. I just got my period and the day before and the days during I am so, so lonely. I even hung out with a friend tonight that I haven't seen in forever. It wasn't enough to get rid of the lonely feeling. So I'm laying on my bed trying to ignore how I feel.

    I've been putting in a lot of applications lately because I hate kmart anymore.

     I've been looking into jobs and apartments not in this town.

   My birthday is in exactly one week. All I want from anyone is a birthday card. It's always been my thing, to want a birthday card. I used to save all of them!

     I'm living with my mom still. We are currently in a house with no heat, no hot water, and no stove to cook on, seeing as it's a gas stove and our gas isn't turned on. I hate cold showers and not being able to eat.. And not being able to sleep because I'm too cold. I'm sorry. I needed to complain to someone. I can't always ignore it. 

    People say you control your own destiny but I'm having such a hard time getting out of this hole my mother has dug me into.

     Sigh.

What is Love?

Love is like seeing a new range of colors that you never knew existed. 

The type of colors that fill the void of emptiness you felt before. 

That make your heart soar with the fact that something so beautiful exists.

The colors are so bright, that there is no longer any dimly lighted moments. 

They sparkle.

There's renewed hope that there are more things you never knew existed. 

Renewed adventure. Renewed thoughts. 

Love is new, every day.

Missing You

I just wrote a blog for my other thing, www.iamle4nneblog.wordpress.com , about missing things. It made me actually think about what I miss. They have the saying that goes, 'you can't miss what you never had'. I don't believe hats true. I do miss what I haven't had. Or maybe what I had, but can't remember having. I hate dwelling on the things I don't have or never had, because I'd rather concentrate on what I have and what I can Change.... But sometimes it's hard not to think of everything. It's also hard to change things that have been occurring for so long. Aka: helping people at work. Josh told me that people take advantage of my help because its known that I help whoever needs it. You know what? I love helping people in our store because I know what it's like not toget help. I know what it's like to have the stress of not knowing how something is going to get done. BUT I would LOVE to be thanked. If you don't thank me, then please don't ever expect me to help your ungrateful ass out. There's other things I could be doing for my own department to make it better. I don't have to say yes. Grrr.

    I haven't been to the gym in forever. I think that's my problem. I went today, and of course felt much better. I really shouldn't stop going because my emotions seem to get up too high when I don't go.

    Would you like an update on Rob? I don't know. There isn't a good way to describe it. Just: I don't know. That's going to have to be good enough for now. 

     So much stress in my life. I thought I got rid of a lot of it. Apparently not.

These Four Words

    I had the most ridiculous morning. It was seriously kind of funny how inconveniently everything was going for me. I went to work, had a decent day. Two hours before my shift ended I got hit with a wave of sleepiness. I also had a headache all day and couldn't concentrate. No more vacations! Apparently a week away makes me a ditz. So I leave work and call Laurie, my sister in law, and we talk about random things for almost 1 1/2 hours. Now I'm laying on my bed, soaking in the air conditioning, listening to music. I told someone about the the blog challenge that I'm doing on www.iamleanneblog.wordpress.com and that tomorrow's topic is, what would you say you do if you couldn't describe your job? I was like, well... I breathe... And.. Sleep.. And read books.  I stay fancy? And this friend replied in an awesome way, but sadly, my loves, you will not know the answer tomorrow until I write my blog!

First Day, A New Day

    It was my first day back to work today, after my vacation. My boss called me in early to do a project for him. Though it was 4 1/2 hours earlier than what I was scheduled, I didn't mind. A project? I love projects! So I went in today and it was nice. I had to cover breaks up front, order money, get overrides, get called all over the store... But it was nice. Apparently everyone knows hat I'm back and they were taking complete advantage.

     It made me miss the floor even more. I love that freedom. 

     So I left Kmart, changed my clothes, and walked to giant(grocery store) to grab Klondike bars, and walked back to Kmart to drop them off. I knew it'd be hot and I wanted them to know I love them.

     Yep.

      My life.

My Online Diary

     I really like this blog because I can post whatever I want and I don't have to worry about people judging me. I can express my feelings without getting whiplash. With a lot of people, I feel that way... Like they won't shoot me down. Then there are some people who would very willingly take hits at me. Maybe, some day, I'll share I with everyone. For now, it's just to the random people who find m blog and a few of my close friends.
    I started a new blog that people I know, can actually see. Www.iamle4nneblog.wordpress.com
     I actually started it because I was randomly surfing the web and found this one blogger who did a challenge to write a list of things for each day of the month. I loved the idea of having a topic to write about. I also loved the idea of maybe getting some of my friends involved. So I posted it on Facebook and I was happy when Laurie joined the band wagon! Then came more people. I'm so pleased. It's nice to have a group of us doing this together. It's interesting to see our diversities and similarities.. Too read the different flow and rythm of words from people.

Reading A Cosmopolitan Magazine

We just moved again into a new house. Instead of settling in I'm laying on my bed reading. What am I reading? A cosmopolitan magazine. I was going to read a book but they are all still packed up and I really don't feel like digging. It's a rain day and all I want to do is lay on my bed and relax. I only have two days left of my vacation. I want to make them the best! Even if it means doing absolutely nothing.

     The one article I'm reading right now says, imagine an adult. Then she says when she thinks of an adult, she thinks of her 4th grade teacher. Why did she go so far back in time? Because in our pop-culture landscape.. There really aren't any adult idols. They are kidults. I thought of this as quite intriguing because its true and I really haven't ever thought of it!

     It also pushes the word 'careers' at me. It's always a reminder of what I want to do and don't know how.

    Update on life: I spent quality time with Alicia yesterday. I took her out to a very pricey dinner at a Chinese buffet, which is apparently more expensive on weekends. We walked through some stores at the TJ Maxx plaza. I bought her boyfriend some Chinese food too because I really like him. He treats her so much nicer than any boyfriend she has had before.  Then we came home, moved our beds upstairs, and relaxed.

^my new recipe. I suppose they have tons of recipes like this.. But gosh. It was so good! Ground sausage, onions, peppers, Colby jack cheese, hash browns, eggs.. A few seasonings.. Ta da!

If You Had One More Day

  I just read a book and it was great! It was large print so it wasn't as long as I thought it would be... But it didn't need to be long to get the point across.

   A drunkard tries to commit suicide. He has lost his family to his depression of his mother dying. He decides no one will care And he goes off to kill himself where he grew up. On the way there (he's driving drunk) he gets in a car accident. He's ejected from his car. Then that's where it takes over in his head that he goes to a tower to jump off and die.. But alas! He has failed at his '2nd' attempted suicide. He then finds himself at the house where he grew up. And his mom opens the door! Even though she's been dead!  In disbelief he goes in and they spend one more day together. They go through his past and present and at the end, he wakes up at the car accident. Ready to live his life with the love he should have been first.

    It made me think.. What would you do and say if you had one more day with a person close to you that you lost?

My Parents... Or Not Parents?

    Yesterday, I accidentally let everything bad about my childhood slip through while I was talking to Rob. I really keep it in check, because I don't want anyone to feel bad for me. Shawn (my ex) doesn't even know half of it and I was with him for 7 years. So as it was spewing out of my mouth, I realized how not-so-good my parents are. My mother was rarely around. Then she had us move everywhere once I turned 13-14. Never settling down longer than 3 months and it was usually only 1-2 moths on average. I continued to go to my high school that I had always gone to.. Except once when I spent 2 months at another one. She continuously stole my money when I had a job. Everyone always says to me.. You've had a job for the past 5 years and you didn't save any money? How do you expect me to? My mom used to be able to get into my bank account because she was friends with the bank tellers.

    My dad? He was depressed until I turned 21. He says now, because my brother told him how sometimes we didn't have food, why didn't you tell me? I would've helped. I would have given you a place to live. 

    He knew about it.. He just ignored it. He didn't care about anyone but himself. Now he's feeling bad when it's too late.  

    Sometimes I feel like I grew up without parents. My brother and I were the only ones we had. Then Alicia came along.. I've been baby sitting her since I was 7 ( the year she was born). She used to call me Mom number 2.

    Now that I told Rob about it, all the angsty feelings of the past are pouring out of me. I had to play music last night to distract my mind and allow me to sleep.

Why Do You Want To Marry Me?

    I just had a random thought of the movie, Sweet Home Alabama. One of the movie quotes is, "why do you want to be married to me" and the reply is "so I can kiss you whenever I wanna!" I think this is a good reason to want to marry someone ;) gosh. 

    I'm at work, I came in early. I was actually planning on having my mom drop me off at dunkin donuts.. Last second I was like, actually.. I really don't want coffee. How weird is that thought!? Especially when I'm thinking it! 

    Last night, i woke up once every hour because I couldn't stop dreaming weird dreams. Most of them revolved around Kmart and one of them was meeting Rob's father, who has been, not alive, for 5 years.

   I've been thinking about that because a few weeks ago we were talking about how his youngest will never meet him and his other children won't really even remember him.. And he deserves to be remembered. Everyone does, for that matter.

    I hope I'll be remembered. I hope I've made such an impact on people's live that they will always remember me.

    Gah. I wish I could've called off today. I don't want to work!! One more day... Just... 9... To...530... I can do this!

2 days!.... Just Two More Days!

     My vacation is in two days and it is not coming soon enough. The funny part is, for my first 3 years I didn't take a vacation or any vacation days. I didn't need to. I loved Kmart and didn't want to leave it. Then came year 4, and though I loved Kmart, I wanted to take a break from it. Year 5? Yeah. It's draining me. Year 6? I may not go back. I'm sure they won't miss me too much. I'm just hoping that all my hard work doesn't go to waste and get all screwed up while I'm gone. I don't care too much. At least , I won't care while I'm on vacation.

     I am just so excited to do the whole vacation thing. The possibilities are endless of things I'm able to do. Even if I don't do anything, it's the fact that I had the possibility to do it. I've been super tired lately. I can't break out of it. Vacation, will you help, I wonder?

      I went to the fireworks with Casey Carlos and Erika. Every year, even when I was younger, I always felt so alone. Even when i wasn't alone I couldn't shake the feeling. This year was different, and that's important to me.

Mmmm, Goldfish Puffs

    New Goldfish puffs? They taste like not-as-cheesy-but-still-cheesy Cheetos cheese puffs.. And they're super awesome because their mouths are open! So cute!

     I went into work at 4 am today. It's a good thing I was exhausted yesterday and fell asleep at 530pm! Or else I would have been completely dead today. Now I'm laying on my bed, trying to convince myself I get up and shave my legs or something. Haha. Or even read! But my body is just like.. Leanne, sit your butt down and do not move. And I'm like blah! I hate relaxing!

    Speaking of relaxing.. My vacation is in 3 days. I have off tomorrow and I'm planning on going to a cookout with Carlos and Casey. Then off to the fire works!

    I really haven't posted my inner emotions lately. I'm not sure what they are right now. Everything feels.. Light, happy, very surface-like. I can't seem to bring myself down into any kind of funk. It's like there's a wall there keeping me from feeling any kind of upset. I don't remember placing it there either. If I could have done something like this, I would have done it sooner! So I'm just feeling mello. And hot.

    Cheers!

Mango/coconut Honey Bunches of Oats

     I bought mango and coconut honey bunches of oats.. And finally tried it this morning.. I think that both the flavored are too overpowering and they shouldn't have put them both in one box. Oh well, it's edible ;)

    Yesterday I got Erika, Casey, and Carlos around for a picnic at Indian park. We went to Weis and grabbed a bunch of different foods. It was a last minute picnic so I didn't have to make anything. We got pizza, potato salad, chicken, crackers, cheese, etc. it was quite an assortment! I took over 100 pictures of them. 

    Then I went home.. Walked to the store to get Alicia stuff for pizza, which she is lucky I lie her south because it was so hot and humid out! Ugh.

   I came home.. Passed out.. At 530 pm. Woke up to a phone call at 1030 from Kmart. It threw me off a little bit because, well, Kmart closes at 10....

     It was josh asking me to come in wake today(Wednesday). He was going to have me come in at 6.. But since I had been sleeping all day, I figured, what the heck? Why not at 4am!?

    So right now, I'm sitting on my bed... Drinking coffee, waiting for my day to begin.

Review Of The Movie, The Heat

I just got back from a date with my cousin, Erika, Carlos, and Casey. We went to see the heat. It was hilarious!! I was laughing the whole time! I heard a lot of mixed reviews but I enjoyed it. The actors played their roles well and the plot was great!

    I almost didn't go with them. I was feeling exhausted and grumpy. Then I realized how lame that excuse was. I'm happy I hanged my mind and went with them. I am so lucky to have my friends in my life. I've finally found my life time friends. They all understand me and love me how I love them. I haven't had that all my life and now I'm surrounded by it. Words can't describe how much of an impact they make on my life. They complete me. They give me hope and support.. Help me move forward.

Thank you

Vacation Is Where I Want to be

      If I had my way, I'd spend the whole week at the beach. Alone. Or not alone. Actually either way would be fine. I haven't been to the beach in 10 years. Sadly, my current money situation will not allow it. So here are my plans:

    -have a picnic with Carlos and Casey

     - take ^ them somewhere neat that they haven't been 

      -spend the night at my brother's house. 

     - spend a day with my dad because it's his vacation too.

    -if I'm not pregnant, drink with Carlos and Casey. Or spend a night cuddling with them. 

    -work a little with the flowers but avoid major Kmart things.

    -spend an evening with Travis, to catch up on things.

    - hopefully spend time with other friends I miss and haven't had time for. Aka, Cynthia, Courtney, etc.(family is also included in this one)

Those are my only ideas so far. I'm excited to finally have time for everyone.

    I jus drank an iced coffee. I'm feeling awesome but I really don't want to go back out into the heat. It'll only be for 2 minutes but it's quite intense outside. Maybe I shouldn't move to Florida. Haha

    I spent half my day working in jewelry. 

    Every customer I had was super nice.

    I did have a family come in.. Mother, father, son. They were buying their 12 year old son a wedding ring. He got a size smaller so could 'grow into it'. Apparently he's getting married next week. I am not joking when I say he was 12....

Onion Breath

     The worst possible breath, even worse than garlic breath, is onion breath! Gosh! It is so impossible to get rid of! Yesterday, for my cousin's birthday, we had a cookout of sorts. One of the dips was pico de gallo. Onions galore. I hate raw onions, but this stuff is banging. I ate a lot.. Came home and brushed my teeth.. And still woke up in the middle of the night with awful onion breath.

     I'm not sure what it is, but for the past two days, my memory has been on the blitz. At work, I can't remember where I sent people to work.. I actually ended up writing it down and even then I forgot to write some of them down and forgot they were even working.. I can't recall details of the past two days. I'm not overly stressed... Well, not more than usual. I was actually in a  Super happy mood today. People noticed. I was that happy. It's been a while since I've felt so light inside. It was great.

   My vacation is in a week! I'm so excited!!

    Wanna know my plans? I'll let you know in the next blog!

Crazy Stalker, Help?

    I got a random message from this boy on Facebook. He dated some girl, that was a friend of one of my friends. So he added me onto Facebook a few years ago. Never has he messaged me, commented on anything, 'liked' anything. When I see him at Kmart, sometimes we don't even bother saying 'Hi' to each other. So2 days ago I get a message saying 'sup' from him. No question mark. Just, 'sup'. So of course I think, what.. Does he think he's cool? Since Facebook shows when someone reads a message.. I decided to not be rude and answer him back. I said, nothing. You? He took that as an invite to blow up my inbox complaining about his ex girlfriend.. Oh and then hitting on me, which also led into him being perverted. Okay, the whole perverted thing? Not cool to do to someone you don't know. I found it awkward. Does he think I'm easy? Does he think because my relationship status says 'single' that I have a low self esteem and will go after guy who seems attracted to me? Sorry buddy,besides the fact that there is nothing at all about you I'm attracted to.. Well, actually, that pretty much sums it up. You lack any kind of personality and I wouldn't even pick you to be a friend of mine. Maybe if you weren't a perverted a-hole who won't shut up about your exes.. No, sorry. Too annoyed. 

     Anyway, the past 3 days have been super happy. I like it.

Caramel Swirl Iced Coffee

     When I was younger, I used to drink my mom's coffee. She'd only put creamer in it. I thought it left it with a nice smash of flavor. Then I went through a phase where I couldn't drink coffee. It just kept tasting bad. My older brother told me that all I had to do was keep trying different variances so I could find the perfect one that I'd like. I kept trying. And trying... And trying.. It took me a few years. I can't even remember exactly why I tried an iced coffee. All I know is after lots of flavors, I found I looooove caramel swirl, black. Yum!!

     So my life is just as confusing as ever. I've finally made the decision to move on from Kmart. I know I've been saying his but I finally feel it in my heart to move on. It's just time.

    Carlos and Casey want me to move to Florida later this year with them. Yes or no?

Automatic Dispensers in the Bathroom

I like the automatic toilets. I don't like to touch the handle to make it flush. I like automatic soap dispensers. Usually the aim is good and I have enough on my hands. I hate the automatic faucets in the sink. I'd like to choose how warm I want it and make it last longer. They should give you choices. Hold your hand per this sensor or that one depending on how you want it. Oh and the soap things that are too close to the sink and squirt you randomly while you're trying to get the soap off! Ugh. The. There's the automatic paper towel dispensers that are so hard to make work! I've tried a lot of them.. They never seem to accept my hand. 

     Anyway, today I'm going on a day trip to a random place with my sister, mom and stepdad.

I'll let you know where we end up!

I Love Old Diners

     Or any diner for that matter. I know there's a lot of old things that are pretty much obsolete... I hope diners are never one of them. I love how small and cozy they are. I love the ones that kept to the originality.. Aka, juke boxes, old signs, poodle skirts! It really helps me to forget about the troubles of the outside world. I feel like when you walk in, instead of going back in time.. Time stops and you're taken to a place where time doesn't exist. It just is what it is. 

   Plus, there's always great food!

This is old and unique too! I can't believe the building is still around.

Me today!

Chicken Soup For The Soul

     I've honestly never really liked reading the chicken soup for the soul book. I've only opened up a few but every time I just couldn't get into them. I love sappy encouragement as much as the next person, but there's just something about the ..

     I didn't go to sleep until midnight last night and had to be in for work at 6. For some people, I suppose 5 hours of sleep is okay? Okay, probably not. So you can relate. I'm so dead tired.. I just want to lay my head down on something and pass out. There's actually something about this week that has prevented me from getting a full nights rest. It's slightly inconvenient. 

     I spent 3 hours last night hanging out with these two little girls. The last hour, Laurie brought hunter down to play. I love children. So much! I want to have my own pretty bad. 

     We walked to the park, the older one said, 'because walking is better for you than driving!' She just turned 4.. And I liked that a 4 year old knew that. The other girl is 2. We went to the park, threw rocks in the creek, watched a guy play tennis for 15 minutes... Walked back to my house and painted rocks, and watched caillou. So. Much. Fun!

The Word 'Dislike'

     I don't usually hate people....

     I think I hate my mom. 

     When I'm pissed at her.. I don't remember what it's like to love her.

     I'm so pissed.

     She's ruining my life.

     Or just not helping.

     Stop taking my flippin' money you stupid.... POS

     You want me to move out and have my own life!?

     Then back off and stop being such a whiney beggar who's addicted to bingo. 

Okay?

Okay.

Chocolate Chip Cookies

   One of my coworker's brother is loving on me. This is not a good thing. He's creepy. I inadvertently gave him the idea that next time he sees me he needs to have chocolate chip cookies.
     Last night, I got drunk for the first time in like.. 6 months. I had a freaking blast at Carlos' surprise birthday/murder mystery party(also a masquerade). I really wish someone would have a surprise birthday for me... I don't even know ifnincan imagine anyone doing it.
    My trip to Burnham was amazing as always.. But ended on a slightly ominous note. I won't go into too much detail.. But gosh.
    Today, one of my coworkers told me that  he'd be happy to see people thank me every once in a while.. Because he doesn't think they notice that I am, in fact, a low paid hourly associate who is NOT an assistant manager. He also noted that some people see this treatment as something special and they get jealous.. But they don't see all the hard work I do and all the extra stress I take on to be everything they need me to be.
    I was like, that actually means a lot for someone to notice the great things I do!
     I do feel under appreciated sometimes.
     Anyway, I'm exhausted from lack of sleep, drinking, and working late.. So I'm calling it a night.
    Happy birthday to Carlos who fills my heart with continuous happiness!
     And I'm sending all my love out to those I love. Sleep well.  <3

Sleepy Face!

     I got 2 hours of sleep last night before driving up to Millhall with my aunt and cousin. The 2 hours weren't even in a row. What for? To see Rob, obviously. An I crazy? Yes, everyone knows that though. I love Rob, but I'm not going to lie and say I wouldn't do it for all the other important people in my life.. Because I would in a heart beat. All of the people in my life are important a d deserve my heart and adoration . Anyway.. I drove up there.. Impatiently waited for Rob, and when I saw him.. Well, I'm pretty sure when I'm not around him I forget how much I really love him. My heart just squeals with happiness every time.
Today is the ultimatum day.
Today is also something else special that I can't risk putting on here because the person may find out!
Muwahaha.
I'm so thankful that my aunt understands my love enough to get me a way up to Millhall. <3

Am I Really That Great?

        I posted happy birthday, along with a few other kind word, for Casey's mom, on Facebook. I really love this lady. She makes me feel like such a positive influence on the world. She's also one of those moms who loves everyone as her own. This is what she replied:

Oh my, sweetheart! Your birthday wishes are so moving. One thing you should know about me is that I can recognize someone who has a true and honest character. I knew when I met you that you were someone very special. Your soul shines bright and golden. You are very rare indeed and I have never met someone as pure as you. Don't ever change. The world needs someone like you in it. My world sure is a better place now that you are in it. I love you and thanks again for the blessings! 

Did I cry? Yes. 

Finally, An Actual Day Off

      I haven't left my house yet today. It's amazing. I'm being insanely lazy on my day off. I woke up, made breakfast, watched a movie, made homemade brownies, laid out in the sun with my sister, and now I'm watching another movie. I'm hopefully seeing Carlos and Casey in a bit. Maybe looking for a car to buy.. Might work for a few hours in the flowers tonight.. Read a book, talk to Rob.
     I'm enjoying myself.. And not thinking of Kmart at all.
      Mmmmmm.

How Do You Know You Are Having A Bad Day?

      Well, let me enlighten you. I haven't heard from Rob in 3 days, which is always a downer. So I woke up this morning and couldn't get myself to want to get out of bed. I slowly got around for the day and realized I look as exhausted as I feel.. So I tried to make myself look slightly more lively with make up. That didn't work. I even did my hair. Still feel awful. I looked at the weather app on my phone. It said it wasn't going to rain until 945 and it was 850! So I was like, score. So I started walking to Kmart to work with flowers... And I got 3/4 the way there.. And realized i forgot something. My mom works until 245.. And I needed it as soon as I got to kmart... So I walked back.. Grabbed it.. Went to shut the back door.. Literally almost fell because my body wasn't going where I wanted it to. So halfway back to Kmart... The skies opened up! Great. Got to Kmart and went outside because the rain let out a little bit. Then it started pouring... Carlos put me in a poncho, though I told him I'd rather just get soaked and mope in the rain, and I looked like a Giant, yellow duck. Cynthia is having a bad day. I wish she wasn't. Then I went up front and Travis is having a bad day. Susy is working and giving me a headache. I'm not even working yet And her voice is driving me insane. So I walked over to dunkin donuts To get an iced coffee.. The whipped cream is all melted on top and I popped the lid off and little white specks flew everywhere. 

      I probably won't be able to take Carlos and Casey for a picnic tomorrow.

      I'm sick of waiting for Rob to make up his kind. I gave him 'til Saturday but gosh, I'm impatient. Especially when he doesn't call me. I'm expecting the worse just because I feel like I don't deserve the happiness he brings. That's how I feel right now, though usually my thought is, I do deserve mad crazy happiness, damnit. I'm just having a bad day and that's making me feel sorry for myself.

      I'm ready to drown myself in my work.

Losing Weight

      When I look in a mirror I still don't entirely recognize myself. I'm like, hey, do I really look this thin? Wow. I'm the kind of person who ALWAYS looks at a mirror if it's around. Not for the reason you'd think. I don't check my hair or anything. Some days I go and do something and have no idea what my hair even looks like! It's short now but I suppose it was especially bad when it was long. So why do I look in the mirrors? To make faces. Why? I have no idea. Even if it's just a raise of my eyebrows.. Then I look at my face and think, that looks prettier than it used to. Then I look at my stomach and think... How did I do that? It's funny because at first thought I'm like, I don't know how I lost so much weight! Then I think back and I do know. In the past 6 years I've made a Bunch of changes to my life style. It been by trial And error but every year.. I lose just a little more weight. I wasn't necessarily trying at first. I wanted to lose weight but wasn't sure how. Then I stopped eating so much. Then I started walking more.. Eating wheat bread instead of white. Stopped drinking soda, going to the gym. I'm figuring out how to live a healthy life style but still having fun. I don't stop myself from eating pizza, chips, etc. I find myself not wanting candy bars anymore because I think in my head, 'hell no! That's 400 calories! Do you know how long that takes to burn off at the gym!? Haha.

My mom has finally gotten a job in over 6 years. I'm not Sure where it is. I was too exhausted last night to ask.
Yesterday was also her birthday and I made her a chocolate came with peanut butter icing she was excited, of course!

We Are Two in a Million.

    I used to love watching S Club 7. I always found the music rather catchy. That's the only thing I can actually remember. The music, that is. My memories are slightly blurry. The only time I remember things is when another memory sparks it. Which is why, if you're with me, I may randomly blurt something out.
     Today, I'm having a good hair day. Aka my day hasn't gotten too bad. I also put makeup on to ensure that no matter what, some part of me looks nice which gives me an extra bump of confidence.
      I love iced coffees.
     What else is going on today!?
     After work I'm probably going of to eat with my brother, Laurie, hunter, and my dad. My dad gave  them the choice of Denny's or Pizza Hut... And since Pizza Hut makes Laurie sick... Well, they have decided on Denny's. which I have been boycotting for 2 years because they always give me the worse service. I've been completely forgotten 5 times. Drinks have been spilled on me twice. My food is cold 9 out of 10 times. Why would I go back? I've only gone the past few times because the people I go with are like, we never get bad service! Come with us! And every time they're like. Well, maybe it's just you.
      Which is crazy because I am insanely pleasant to them! Every time!! Gah. Maybe that's it. Or they suck.
      I have had bad service at other places too. It really must be me.
      I'm excited that I only work 9-5 today, by the way. It means I actually have the rest of my day to do whatever I want!

My Life, My Future

     Everyone's past is important. It shapes you into the person you are today, whether it be good or bad. I've had a hard past. Thankfully half way through my life I found people to help get me through it. I can assure you there have been plenty of moments where I could've died and I would not have cared. I'm sure everyone has those moments. Everyone needs to hit rock bottom a few times. It helps you to better appreciate the good things you have in life. I'm really not one to dwell on the past. I don't need anyone's sympathy. I live In the present and look forward to a brighter future, while always trying to not live in the past. What's done is done, you can only learn from it and shape the rest of your world.
      I was reading cosmopolitan and there's a bunch of articles on women who found there calling pretty much randomly.  I wish I had that luck. I'm going to be hitting my 6 year mark for Kmart in October and I am no closer to figure out my career than I was at the beginning of this job. It's so hard to figure out what my calling is. I try to think of what I'm good at.... Making people happy. Does this mean I should be a therapist? I think therapists have an insanely important job.. But I want to also help people who don't realize they need help. I love to cook. I'm not so sure I'd like how nonintimate it is to serve in a restaurant. What if I have a day where I don't want to cook??? What if it's all in my mind how great I am? I love photography. I walk past places all the time and just imagine where is have people posing. My graphics teacher told me I had the 'eye' for photography. Is that enough? Finding a job now is hard. I can't afford college right now. I wish I could. The real problem is that there are so many careers I'd be happy with.. And it makes it hard to choose!
    When I try to imagine my future.. I can't see anything but two steps ahead. I have so much hope but nothing is close.

Today is Free Donut Day

      If you buy any beverage at Dunkin Donuts today, you get a free donut! Yay, national donut day! Really. I just want my coffee. Hurry back to the car mom! Haha
     I'm super tired today. I almost thought about saying screw the flowers.. And just going in for Kmart time. Then I was like no.. We just got a bunch of new flowers in.. And Carlos needs me to work them out... Sigh.
    So I finally got our of the house to come to work and I'm sitting in the breakroom thinking..
    Fml.

Marketing Strategy

    Before you ask.. No, this is not marketing strategy. Haha. I couldn't think of a good title for my day. It's currently 9am. I woke up at 8 because I really had to pee! I was like, no! I want to sleep in more!! But now I'm feeling so much better than I have in days because I actually got sleep. I'm very excited about this. My legs also don't hurt as bad as they did yesterday. I have off today.. But will more than likely be going in to work flowers. Mostly because Carlos is there.
    So I'm about to shower, might watch a movie because I haven't done that in forever.. Or read a book, which I may not read because I won't be able to stop.
     Then a gym date when Carlos gets off work.
     Maybe I can read after that?
     I'm determined to have a good day. Seriously.

Taaaa Daaa!

    What's there to say? I had a horrid day.. But I love my friends.  <3

Exhausted But Content

    Today, I've definitely lifted more than I should have. My body is worn out but my mind is happy with having to be motivated to do it. I will admit I probably should not have moved all of the cinder blocks that I did. My back is starting to ache.
    I also had to buy a new shirt because my other one for ruined by all the dirt. At least it's a super cute shirt!
    After work, Carlos and I are going to the gym but I think I'm only doing cardio. My whole body hurts.
    The longer this goes on, the more pessimistic I get. It's just so inconvenient . And I love him.. And if he really loves me like he says he does, he won't let me suffer too much longer. Right? Right.
     Men.
     I thought today, well if he doesn't choose me I'm sure someone else could love me. What's wrong with that? I didn't think, oh I could love someone else. Just that someone could love me. Then I thought of how I feel when he touches me. And how it feels when he calls me.. Or texts me.. Or looks at me...
    That's exactly why I haven't oven up. How could he feel that way about me and not pick me at the end? We can hope.
     Life is nothing without hope.
      Anyway, wish me luck with surviving the rest of my day!
     <3

Grumble, Grumble, Harrumph.

      I am in such a grumbling mood. Grumble this, grumble that. I'm sleepy, rargh. I don't want to go to work because I'd rather curl up in a ball today and feel sorry for myself. Sigh.
      I'm allowed to have a day of that, right? I'm not sure I've ever done that but today feels like it could be that daaaaay!
      So freaking frustrated...
      Gah!
       Blah!
      -deep breath inserted here-
    Okay, everything happens for a reason.
     Everything will work out sometime.
      I hate waiting. I hate uncertainty. I hate how annoying and money-driven my mom is.
     I'm annoyed that I want Rob so much, because it hurts to not have him when I want him, which is all the time.
    I'm annoyed with Kmart because it's so repetitive in an awful way. Even the drama is repetitive, predictable, and ridiculous.
    See? Bad mood.

Just Another Day

     It's just another day. Not like my day isn't really nice, because it is! It's just the same as usual. Flowers in the morning, gym with Carlos in the afternoon... Dinner with my dad tonight. Missing Rob, wishing I could see him today...
    Oh! And it's Laurie's 25th birthday!! I love birthdays. My birthday has never really been all that great... Which may be why I try to make everyone's unforgettable every year. I want them to have something special and meaningful that makes their heart happy. I made Laurie a homemade birthday card, since they are my specialty.. And she loves them. I also brought her a delicious cupcake from Burnham. She was thrilled. As was hunter when he saw me. :D he makes me feel amazing. Part of Laurie's birthday card informed her that I love that she was born. She was my first best friend and the first person to make me feel like I was worth something. I've always had a lot of friends but no one I could click with.. I always felt like I was missing something. Then when I was 13 I met her and she made me feel important. She still does. Now I have a lot of people in my life that make me feel important but I can never forget that she was the first one.
    So really, it's not just another day. It's a very nice day!

   Edited: Laurie said the card made her almost cry and that the cupcake was the best she ever had.. And that I should get her another one next time I go. Haha

So, Today

I just had the two days off and I wasn't ready to come back to work. I'm trying to imagine what it's going to be like after my vacation. I came into work, after doing flower things, to a mad house. It was pure insanity and I felt like I was being ripped into 4 people. It was great for the most part. Sometimes I need a rush and the feeling of aria lot being needed/useful. Sometimes I don't feel necessary upfront so it's nice to use a day where I am.
     Tomorrow I have off again. Super psyched. My day is going to consist of, flowers, gym, laurie(it's her birthday tomorrow) and dinner with my dad. I'm not really in the mood to hang out woth my dad. Sometimes I just like to hide from people. Especially because my annoying cousin will be there. Thankfully, he just wants me to make hot sausages. That's super easy and quick compared to what he usually has me make.
    So I'm at dunkin donuts, thinking about the direction of my life. How thankful I am for what I have and the things I still want. Day dreaming.

Break Room Party

I'm sitting in the breakroom with Carlos and Casey. One of the cashiers just came in with a line/raspberry coolatta and I was like, meh... Like is yucky, she said, it's not bad, want to try some!? I did. It really wasn't bad. I'm not afraid of germs, unless you're a super germy looking person.
     I've spent the last 2 1/2 hours outside in the garden shop.. I meant to go earlier this morning but had to keep hunter a little longer than anticipated. And I was going to work til 330 but I felt like my body was cooking in the sun.... MMMM! Cooked Leanne!
   So now Casey and I are going to dunkin to wait til Carlos gets off work... Then gym time!
    I love the days where I see Cynthia.  <3

Fancy Day

       Had a great day, just so you know. I ended up being too hot and exhausted to go work with the flowers... But it can wait 'til tomorrow. Rob and I ate lunch together at subway, then I relaxed at the park until it was time for him to get off. There were a bunch of adorable ducklings running around all day! So cute! Then the ride home was nice... I love talking to him.  <3 I feel like we never run out of things to say. I love it. The. Saying bye was as sucky as usual. Well, not as bad. I felt like I'd see him sooner than usual, so it wasn't so.. Sad.
     Then my mom and I drove to the park to get hunter and he saw us pull in... So he started running.. And I got out of the car and ran.. Seriously, picture perfect. He's sooooo adorable. Sadly, I can't get off my bed right now because I'm feeling nasuseous from too much heat... But he keeps coming into my bedroom to see me and make sure I'm okay. He wants us to paint fish after I feel better.
   So tomorrow, hunter time, flower time, Laurie time (if she's feeling better), and gym time/Carlos time. Maybe rob time?
  Hmmmm.

Something About the Morning...

     It's currently 5:45 am and I've been up since 5... Just relaxing and feeling the cool breeze flowing through my window. I love this time of the day. I miss waking up this early. It's so peaceful. The world hasn't really begun for most people at this time. I used to be going to work around this time and I absolutely loved it. I really didn't need to be awake until 630 but my excitement has me up sooner. I just want this day to start as soon as possible. Today is a Burnham day. Sadly, my mother doesn't share my ethusiasm about beig awake early so she wouldn't take me up to mill hall at 3am.  :X. Haha so instead, after we drop my sister off at school, we're heading up. I'm very lucky to have a mom who does this stuff for me. "Yeah, sure Leanne, I'll drive you all the way to Burnham just so you can have lunch with Rob." Yep, apparently she loves me.
    For breakfast, I'm planning on eating frozen pop tarts. The perfect thing to eat when you know it's going to be hot today. Anyway, I have to go get ready and try to look cute but prepared for the heat of today! Enjoy your day! I know I'll enjoy mine.
   PS: hopefully have a date with Cynthia today.  <3

Apples to Apples

     I finally found time to start unpacking into my bedroom at my mom's. I've been working so much and doing things not at home, that I haven't had time to do anything. So I got home at 8, ate some brownies, then started hanging clothes, puttin books on my book shelves, thinking about Rob.... Oh, right. That had nothing to do with me unpacking stuff in my bedroom. Sorry, sometimes I get distracted with thoughts of him. Anyway, apparently the brownies and ice cream I had when I got home weren't enough for my stomach to be happy so I just broke down and made a pizza wrap. Hopefully it thinks its a good enough supper and will stay quiet until I fall asleep.
    I'm so excited to take my books out of the boxes. I love my books... I love looking at the titles and reminiscing about the story lines and what I was feeling while reading them.
    By the way, apples to apples is my favorite board game.
   Work was okay.
    One more day, then 2 days off in a row. I cannot wait.

I Am In Love With Food

      I'm sure previously in this blog, I've informed you of how much I love food. It's not even eating food. Just looking at it, cooking it, Having people eating it.... It just excites me in a weir way. Right now, I'm eating a late dinner which is a chicken and pepperoni quesadilla. Freakin' delish.
     Work is killing me with boredom. Talked to my boss and he said, well of you want to switch with another full time person, find someone to fill your shoes. My shoes are too big to fill. We both know that.
     Sigh.
      My mom talked me into buying stuff to make brownies tonight... Sadly I'll probably be asleep before this happens. I stayed late at work and now my body is like... Just sleep Leanne, just sleep!
     My first and last thought of the day is always about you.   <3

Hungry, Hungry Leanne!

     Last night, my nephew came over, so after going to the gym with Carlos, then the mall with him and Laurie.. I came home and he wanted to sleep with me in my bed. I was like, sure, why not? Gosh. I forgot how much of a bed hog he is. I have a full size bed. It isn't that small... But he made it seem like it was. I don't think I got much sleep.
    Anyway, this morning I'm insanely hungry and want to eat everything. This is probably because of my hardcore workout I did yesterday... Usually the day after I'm ravenous.
   I'm also super tired.
    I wish I had more time for Hunter. I have to go to work in an hour and he isn't too pleased. I wish I could listen to him when he asks me not to go. Sigh.
    I miss Rob.

Sorry For The Wait

    Sorry that it has been so long! As I've said previously, when I'm happy I tend to forget to post. This is strange, seeing as how I had originally started this blog to share my happiness with everyone. Yesterday, I couldn't stop smiling all day. It was crazy. I was just so happy. I ran into two really great friends that I haven't seen in forever and of course hearing Rob's voice always brings a huge smile to my face. He told me he's just waiting for the day when I won't be excited by him. I informed him if he hasn't happened yet, it won't ever happen. Yesterday I was very content just knowing I have him in my life. Today he has off and I probably won't talk to him all day.... And that makes me miss him and wish he'd get it together. I know everyone is saying I should just drop him if he hasn't done it yet... But I feel in my heart that he will. And if he doesn't, I won't be anymore hurt later on than I would be now. So why not give him time? Though I can assure you my patience is running low. I've been pushing more in the past 2 weeks than I ever have. I feel like I'm coming on super strong, but honestly... I can't stand being without him. Once you find the person you want for the ret of your life... How can you just let them go? You can't.
     Also, an update on my living arrangements:  I couldn't stand my cousin anymore so I've moved in with my mom. I'm going insane here too though just because I'm so used to living by myself and not being bothered... I just want alone time. Or rob time. Alone time with rob time.

Yikes! How Loud Can You Say Happy?

     I am the type of person who can say HAPPY very loud!!!
      Especially yesterday. Yesterday I woke up to a good morning because I had fallen asleep happy. Then I woke up and got a text from him and I was like oh! He's thinking about me this morning! Yay!  So to continue with my happiness I went to a bakery and got these amazing/small desserts called peanut butter diddies. I went to Carlos/Casey's house and woke them up to surprise them. They were super happy. Then I went to Kmart to surprise Cynthia with one(and a cookie) because I love her and wanted to help any way I could to make her day better. I had just so much happiness to share yesterday. I was literally getting happy chills with all the emotion I was feeling. Then I fell asleep. In my own bed. Then I walked to work, by choice, because its beautiful outside. While I was walking, rob called. Then work has been super busy.
   Now I'm at dunkin donuts drinking a coolatta, cooling down. :)

Decision Made

     Okay, the decision on my living arrangement has been made. I will not e living at my dad's. The final choice has been made today. Erika is back from school and is driving me insane. Beyond insane. She just never stops pushing for stupid, immature things. She's going to be here all summer and I cannot handle her. It's bad when I'd rather live with my mom and have no money than live with my dad and put up with her very day. Just stop being so annoying and grow up! I can assure you that at no age was I ever like you.. And now you're almost 20

Favorite Memory

    I asked Rob what his favorite memory of me was so far. He replied that our first kiss was his favorite. So now that he has reminded me of that memory it's stuck in my head. It gives me the same butterflies now that I felt then.
    I just want to kiss him all the time.
     I couldn't sleep last night. I'm not sure why. It wasn't even that my mind was going a hundred miles per hour. I was actually quite relaxed. I may have gotten 4 hours of sleep altogether.
     Yesterday was Mother's Day . It made me want to become a mom. Blah.
     Good news is I spent half my day alone with hunter. We made homemade brownies together for his mom and then me and him went to the park!

What's For Breakfast?

    Instead of eating breakfast... I've been laying on my bed for an hour trying to think of what I actually want for breakfast. At my dad's house, everyone here usually is not even awake for breakfast.. So there really are not any breakfast foods. I could eat... Spaghetti? For breakfast? I suppose. There's these breakfast pouch things in the cupboard that you can toss in milk...
    What I'm really getting at is that I need a car. Hardcore. Now that I have my license, sitting at home isn't so fun. Especially since I know if I had a vehicle... I could totally go drive to the store and get the cereal I want. I could go to the gym whenever. I could go work my 2nd flower job whenever. I may go insane.
     Yesterday Carlos and Casey came over to my dads house for supper! And board games. Erika was quite excited because she's been wanting to meet Casey... And actually hang out with Carlos. It was so much fun!
    Now my dilemma is that my dad had asked me to go to state college today... which I totally forgot About.. And already made other plans to go to my first adult store. It's easier to say no to my dad than Carlos and Casey.... But saying no to anyone to me is hard. I'm a yes ill make you happy person.
    Anyway, I'm super hungry and want food. Have a good day.  :)

So Wrapped Up!

    Wow. Life has been hectic. It seems whenever I'm happy I forget to actually post a blog! So, now I'm going to give you an update. Today and tomorrow I'm officially moving my stuff... All of it.. Out of the house I shared with Shawn. More than half is going to my moms new house.. Because she has more space. Some will be going to my dads where I am currently staying . At first I was unsure if I wanted to stay at my dad's . It, at first, felt uncomfortable. I realized that's just because I'm used to having my own place. It's actually fun. My aunt is a completely different person now than she used to be. The reasoning is because she finally fell in love. Now she's a super happy person. Living with my mom would put me closer to work.. That's the only plus side. As I've said before, my mom drains me of money... And there's rarely any food in the fridge... There would've been if she hasn't taken all of my money... She also wants me to be in charge of sending in the rent. Which is a brilliant idea. She never pays rent, aka why we always move. I'm not sure whether I should trust her this time around. She's just screwed me too many times. My dad always has food in the fridge! He buys stuff just for me to make. My mom is also always home... So she'd always be in my company.. I've become so used to having my alone time.
So many decisions to make!

Silly Me

     Honestly, I stress way too much. I worry about everything and everyone. It doesn't affect anything I do but it's always subconciously on my mind. I am slowly going insane. People at work are occasionally such grump faces and don't want to work. After all these years, I still haven't figured out why it's so hard to work a little tiny bit while you're at work  .. . Crazy people.
      I am really enjoying living at my dads    except I miss my kitty faces. I think I've finally pulled myself far enough away from shawn so I know longer care... at all. Which sounds bad but it's incredibly great for me. I feel so free from him... and it feels great .
     I also love how awesome it feels to have my driver's license.. now I just need a car. Then I will finally be super independent! Which is what I've always wanted.. I hate having to rely on anyone.

I'm sleepy.

So Very Uncertain

    There's so much uncertainty in my life. I just need one certain thing.. One thing that will always be there that'll help me keep my sanity. Because I am going insane and I just need something to go how I want it to! One.. little..big... thing. I need you. Why is this so hard? I jnow the best things in life aren't easy . I get that.... I just need a little break

Poke, Poke, Poke!

    Today was nice! I'm starting to feel some wear on not sleeping. I will more than likely be sleeping in until 10. or 9. or 8. Either way! Then my mom wants to hang out with me... though I was tempted to say no...but she must miss me if she actually asked to hang out. Jon also wants to have lunch with me? Then I asked my mon if I could borrow her car and meet Rob for coffee in lock haven. She seemed hesistant.. mostly because it'd be at night time and I haven't drove a car alone yet..  so she's worried I'll die. I have no doubts that I can convince her.    :) I may even use the excuse  that I want to pick up more flower hours at Kmart and need a car to drive since she's going to bingo tomorrow night.    
     I'm at my dad's house again and Wendy is cooking me and her boyfriend some fancy quesadillas. I'm not used to eating sinner this late... so I'm supwr tired and my sugar is low... I'm enjoying this family time though.

Um... Yes.

     I just took my driving test... and passed! I am sooooo happy! I just want to dance around. Finally! I feel.. awesome... just so freakin' awesome. I want to drive.. and drive.. and drive some more! and then go see Rob. and kiss him and tell him how excited I am.. because I am... EXCITED!!!  
         I am working 11-10 today and I can assure you the whole time I'm going to be smiling hardcore and jumping around.
    My dad wanted to eat at Nathan's afterwards. I haven't actually ate there since the day bedore they opened and gave us all free food. I really am not a fan of fast food... but it was okay! Anyway, time for work. Wish me luck with not exploding with happiness.

Gosh.

     I'm retaking my driving test tomorrow at 9. I am maaaad nervous..but not as bad as I was the first time.      

   I worked my 2nd day as a flower-person. Surprisingly, even though it was a mopey day, it didn't seem to last long enough.
    Carlos and Casey also told me that more than likely they'll be moving to Florida in September  I'm quite saddened by this... They're both my soul mates and I just found them. I'm not willing to give them back to the world again. I'm attempting not to think too much about it. If I don't have Rob by this time.. I may just lose it.

    I've spent the past 2 days at my dad's.... I will robably be staying here for a weeeee bit. Though my mother is still trying to get me in with her. It'll cost me more money... but I'm very tempted... Even though my mom pisses me off.. it's more comfortable to stay with her. I really feel sad that I have to give up a place I called home for the past year and a half... it's not too hard because with shawn there, it's no longer a place of comfort.. it's just a reminder of my 7 - year mistake.

Million Thoughts

      Last night I had a dream about my sister, Jen, who passed away a few years ago. At first she was a part of my dream and then I was like hey wait, you're part of my dream but I need to talk to you for real, so are you really here? She replied yes, what do you need to say? So we talked for a good amount of time in my dream... I woke up feeling nice and calm... I've been thinking about her lately and I've missed her so it's at least nice to have had that time of my dream with her.
          I thought I was in love with Shawn when we first started dating but the more time I spend with Rob, I realize I was never in love with Shawn.Shawn has never appreciated me and still, til this day, takes advantage of me. I never felt beautiful with him and never felt like I could be myself with him.

I know that you know, I'm so in love with Rob... I just need to keep expressing it because it's something so new for me... something I haven't felt my whole life... and saying I love him doesn't even fully express it. He's my everything and every day.. I smile because I'm his and he's mine. No doubts.

Make A Wish

     I wish for happiness. For myself and everyone else. Through all of the pain, I want everyone to see the potential for happiness and to hang in there just because of the hope you have. Faith in potential happiness. All ya need.
     I started my 'part time' job of workig with flowers at Kmart. I can tell already that it's going to be really nice for me... nice and relaxing.
     I want to plant a garden pretty bad.
   I'm currently drinking a coconut iced coffee.. it sucks! Seriously, yuck. I'm disappointed in them for allowing such yuckiness! What I really want.. is a lemonade coolatta. my faaaavorite!
     I'm torn again between leaving shawn completely alone with the house . i'M kind of inbetween on being completely moved out.. I kind of want to be like, F you. You waste your money and borrow mine .. or not even borrow because you can't afford to pay me back..
Then I think.. he's currently housing my cats.. and he'd probably starve without my help... I'm sadly beginning not to care.. he takes advantage of me.. he always has and i've just recently realized how much..

My Thoughts

     Honestly, being prejudice is so outdated. Get over yourself. You can't control someone else's life nor should you want to. You have your own life so but out of others'. So they're gay? Oh well. They're human just like you so shuuuut up. You're just being annoying.
    Yesterday, I went to the casino for the first time. I won like half of my money back. My mother, who has a gambling problem, was not so lucky and didn't know when to stop. Should've just told her I'd suck it up and go to bingo... it may have cost less. Oh well, it was a fun time!
      I've had yesterday and today off. I miss having days off. After 8 dayd I started forgettig what one felt like.
Oh, it feels awesome.

Today I am once again  spending the day in Burnham while Rob works. I adventured through town and was disappointed when I didn't find any shops.. So I went to the park for a few hours and read my book.. then decided to just lay on a bench and soak up the sun. I got another cupcake from this fancy cupcake shop up here to share with Rob while we ate dinner. Peanut Butter Cup! Then I couldn't help it anymore and attacked his face until he had to go back to work. Now I'm hiding from the sun inside of Dunkin Donuts. Too much sun makes me uncomfortable.
I also decided today that I don't want a wedding cake. I'm not too much a fan of cake....but cupcakes? Brilliant.

Excitement

    The excitement in me is increasing an insane amount. It's going to just start combusting out of me! My cashiers are coming a long way at work. It makes me feel really nice.
    Tomorrow I am going to the casino, which I'll be sure to let everyone know how that goes..
I talked to Rob last night on the phone for longer than 5 minutes! I love this guy.
He really makes my heart... beat. and melt. and skip.
Then Friday is the day I get to see him and I just can't wait. I'm trying not to rush my days but gosh, I want to see his face!
     I do not have a ride home tonight until 10 so I'm going to the gym for approximately 2 hours... Go me? haha. After an hour I start getting sluggish. Oh well. I'm just so haaaaaaaappppy!

Today, Today, and Tomorrow

     The past few days I feel like I'm making a lot of random people happy.. more so than usual. I feel all the kindness flowing off of me. Today a guy came in who ws probably 35.. I greeted him by saying hello. He smiled and stopped so I continued the pleasantry by asking how he was. He was like, meh.... I said oh, one of those days? He sais nah , on of those 17 years. I've had MS  for the past 17 years. I said   well, you're still here. He smiled at me like I said the best thing ever. He said, yeah, thanks for that.
   Thursday I'm going to a casino for the first time ever.. I'm excited but that might just be because I know the day after I get to go up and see Rob.
I'm trying to get in a lot of gym time before friday.. So I can look my best when I see him. The fact that I just blogged that and he may possibly see it? oops  Rob, if you read this blog, ignore that.

PS:I cannot wait til vacation. :)

You Are My Thunder

     My aunt wanted me to take a late night night road trip with her last night. I thought about saying no... because I was super tired. Then I felt like it needed to happen. It was the weirdest feeling. So I drove. killed my first animal with a car (To which I said to my aunt, That was my first road kill... I just killed an opossum, isn't that awesome? she laughed hardcore at my rhyming skills) We talked a lot  It was  a 4 hour drive. I realized our love lives are quite similar and as I talked about Rob... I began to realize a lot of things and it changed my whole perspective. I feel more.. acceptive and calm about everything right now. Like I have a whole new outlook and everything is okay.. and will be okay.

I Just Met You

    and this is crazy...
but here's my number.
So call me, maybe?
     I remember the first time I gave Rob my number. I was super nervous. I wrote it on a paper and wasn't sure if he'd call me or not. Crazy butterflies in my stomach the whole time. It was really a huge thing in my mind.. I was crossing a line I knew I couldn't uncross. One I never want to uncross.I'm so happy with everything that has happened since then... Even the downsides have their upsides.

Today Casey brought me lunch. He's soooo best friend material   <3
There may be new things for me soon at work. Maybe.
I'm not   sure if its the right thig but if the opportunity comes up.. i've decided to go for it. Why not?            

Oh! I See!

So much happened today, sadly I don't have time to blog about everything! 'til tomorrow!  <3

Contingency Plans

      It's always best to be at least somewhat prepared. When I'm alone I imagine different scenarios in my head and what I'd do to counter them. Example.. if Kmart ever wrote me up. I'd give them my two weeks notice. If Rob decides he won't leave his wife for me.. I will be moving to Florida with Casey and Carlos. If I gain more than 200 lbs in my life, I will go hide in a hole. See? Contingency plans. I am a naturally optimisti person.. So I'm always imagining the best to happen even when there's huge signs that say, Leanne! You're an idiot! This does not mean I can't sometimes be pessimistic in my head on occassion and then imagine somewhat optimistic things that could happen out of something bad.

What's New?

 For some reason both of my phones are wigging out on me today. At some point I will get a new phone.. you know... some day.   Haha. I went to the gym last night and besides the fact that I went with Shawn, yuck, I got a nice workout in. Which makes me feel great. I wish I could go every day. I'm sure my body appreciates me not going every day. ;)  I had to be dropped off at work early so I decided to come over and sit in Dunkin Donuts. I feel like no matter what, it's going to be an awesome day. I just feel it. I posted previously how I feel like something amazing is going to happen when it's warmer out. It's coming soooooon!
      Anyway, My new shoes make a huge difference. I didn't realize how much better my knees would feel.
    My driving test is in 11 days.
     I may go up to Burnham again next week.
    I should be starting my flower job next week.
      Somethig great is going to happen soon. I'm excited to see what it is.
      I think I'm pregnant.

     Hahaha! Just kidding.
    :)
    see? good mood today.
   Yay, Friday!

New Shoes

     I hate buying new shoes. This is only because I can never find a pair in my size. I wear a size 12, which means there's nothing to choose from unless I go for mens. Sigh.
      My mom brought me breakast in bed today. She went to the restaurant we always go to for breakfast.. and brought it to me. Along with an iced coffee. I thought maybe it's becauseI was dying and didn't know it but then she mentioned that she felt bad for dorgetting to bring me dinner yesterday after she said she would. Still, she didn't have to make it up but she did. My mom gives me such hardcore whiplash. Sometimes I'm sure Rob is just an amazing dream that occassionally occurs. Even when I get aggravated with him.. just the thought puts a face-splitting- grin on my face.

I got food on important papers.. that's bad, right? Right. gah
Apparently at work tomorrow my managr is giving us reviews. I'm nervous for mine, as I always am.

No Doubt

    When I love someone I really leave no doubt to that person that I love them . I give every bit of my heart to everyone I love.I'm sure this isn't the best practice but I can't help it. It's who I am. If I get hurt... well, I just have to deal.
    I had an amazing day yesterday. Things went so ... well. I got away from life for a whole day and it was fantastic. I even got Rob time, if you can't tell from how happy this post is compared to the last few. Either I forgot how much I love him or I fell even more in love with him yesterday.
     Fingers crossed that he keeps his word and does what he's suppose to today. You can do it Rob!
     <3

Today and Why Every Day is Important

     I could never take away my own life. Obviously when things are bad it crosses your mind that maybe it would be easier to die sooner. This is really not the case. It just shows your selfishness. You think you can take your life just because things get tough and it's not going to effect anyone but yourself? That it's only going to make your life, which would no longer be your life, easier? What about all the people who love you that you're leaving behind? No matter who you are, or how you act, I can assure you there is at least one person out there who loves you insanely and would die for you. Someone who understands you at least a little bit and losing you would devastate their life. There are people out there who have died.. for reasons beyond their control.. who had a worse life than you.. that I'm sure would come back in a heart beat. Don't take advantage of your life. Every day is a new day to make something good happen. Some times it's hard to realize it.. but you have control over your life  You have all that you need to make things better for yourself.Yes, it's hard. Whoever said life is easy? I had a best friend commit suicide. I love her but she left me with a feeling of.. Really? Why didn't you tell me how much you were hurting? Why wouldn't you share your burden with me? I really could've helped. That was the first time someone close to me had died. Exactly a year later.. my uncle, who was almost like a dad to me.. died from cancer. A few years later my sister, Jen, died from cancer. It just keeps making me realize how special life is and how easily it can be taken away. Then Cynthia's dad passed away. It was harder on me to see her go through that pain than it was for me to go through my own pain of the deaths in my life. It's bad enough this way. It's a million times worse when the decision for death was actually made.
     This morbid topic was on my mind because I just found out my cousin, Emily, has cancer in her kidnies. This girl is only 3 years younger than me.. but I've always felt.. like she was more my daughter  than anything. Not even so much a sister. I've just always been the motherly figure in her life. I love her. I'm quite distraught with this news.. but if anyone can survive it.. it's dedinitely her.

Nope, Sorry

   Today I spent the first hour of my shift spontaneously crying. Today it just hit me how awfully my life is going.. and I couldn't hold it in. Usually my outside emotions don't effect me at kmart... today is sooo a Monday. Carlos and Casey are quite distraught with seeing me crying.. though Casey said it's nice to know I get upset too and that I'm not always happy.. it makes him feel better about himself. Which I conpletely understand.
    The two of them said they would take me out tonight and we could do whatever I wanted. I'm happy they care so much but I'm still on an uneven edge of a cliff. What will happen?

Always Better in the Morning

     Whenever I have a bad day... I'm reassured by the fact that when I wake up in the morning the next day... I'll feel a thousand tines better. The past few days aren't folowing the usual pattern. I'm just so stressed. So. Insanely. Stressed. More than I think I've ever been. It's wearing on me. I need to just spend a day away from everything. Even then I'm not sure if that would help since I'm the type of person who never stops worrying. So things need to start going smoother and then I'll take a day away.
    I'm currently spending my weekend off at my brother/sister-in-law's and I'm having a lot of fun.... though it isn't quite the distraction I'd hoped it'd be. We visited with Laurie's family yesterday all day long and it's quite sad that I feel more comfortable with her family than I do mine. Mine are always just so damn stressful.Hers are so relaxed. Mine have had more hardships... I get that.. but sometimes it's nice to not be reminded. I understand that having a hard life makes you better appreciate the good things that happen but at this point... I will appreciate it all for the rest of my life if the bad stuff could just stop happenining.

Here's to hoping my depression will fade back into it's forgotten black hole once again.

Harder Than Others

     I hatesharing any of my negative feelings with anyone. I feel like I'm burdening them with problems they shouldn't have to worry about. I vented out to Rob through email how frustrated I am with his potential divorce.My feelings are quite extreme with it and I'm slightly tense waiting for him to reply.. if he even does. I'm afraid he won't choose me.. it's not because I doubt his love but because I doubt myself. So today I'm feeling lonely and having a hard time seeing a reason to even function. I'm so stressed and sometimes wish I could just let it all go.

Hello, Rainy Day

     The past 2 days have been super rainy. I love rainy days but I can't help but let it make me all drowsy and depressed. If I had off today all I would do is mope around and sleep! Or lay around all day and read a book. Either way it'd be a lazy day.
    On a happy note....   Well, I love the rain. I love Rob. I love my friends.

Tonight I'm going to spend the night at my brother's sister-in-law's and hang out with my nephew.. and attempt not to miss Rob too much, although it seens to clog up my mind more often than not.

Up and Down, Up and Down

I'm trying to keep my life up. It wasn't too hard but now my days are lacking Rob time. Which was what kept me out of my funk called life. Now I don't have his voice every day to cheer me up and assure me that everything is goig to be okay. I can only assure myself so much until I stop believing it.
    I used to believe for a long time that my mom only hung out with me because she wanted my money. Every time, she's be like.. Leanne, let's hang out! then at the end.. Leanne can I borrow money?   Borrowing usually means at some point she'd pay me back....Yeah...

In the past year, she seemed to have calmed down from this.. until 2 weeks ago when she started this again. She borrowed 300.. that I really couldn't afford to let her have.. and I don't see it ever getting back to me. This stresses me out insanely. I just want to move away from her so we can not have this kind of relationship. We have a long line of her fucking me over money wise. Oh, that 1000 dollars I told you I'd put in your bank account for college that way you wouldn't have to worry about traveling that far to get it in?
Fucked over.
I love my mom. She pisses me off. A lot. If money was never involved in our relationship we'd be fine....
Then there's the whole I can't talk to Rob on the phone and I've spent the past almost 2 months talking to him for at least two hours a day then going to absolutely nothing? it's murderous.
Then I want him every day and can't have him yet...
I have so much love in me to give to him and it:s building up.

Golly Gee

A week before I get my period.. for 3 days... I become an emotional wreck inside. I literally need a lot of happiness around me or I wallow around thinking stupid thoughts that at a regular time would make absolutely no sense. Even now I know I have no reason to think anything so sad but I can't help it. So instead of letting it out in person and letting my brittlewall crumble.. I'm just going to post that I am frustrated with being a girl and getting my period soon which leads to me being steriotypically moody. Also during this time I eat abunch of sweet things... which I also don't usually do.. which makes me feel fat.. and I know I'm not.. gosh. I need a delivery of a thousand compliments... stat!

Other than that ..
I'm pretty damn happy
This post is so contradicting..

Kmart Isn't Everything

I'm so used to thinking Kmart is everything... its hard to switch my thoughts sometimrs because it's a habit to care too much for Kmart. Like today. I need to fix Kmart. it's not my responsibility to fix it. I shouldn't feel the urge to be on the floor and pick up the slack. I should just focus on the upfront .
Yeah, no. Telling myself that isn't working. Stress.. stress.  stress.

What is everything to me? Well, if you've read the rest of the blogs... then you don't even need to ask.
I love you .


I'm going up to my brother's house tonight for some quality Hunter time. 3 more hours of work... then hopefully hearing Rob's voice.. then my Hunbuns.
I can do this.

Puzzle Pieces

I've never been very great at not procrastinating. It's one of my amazing talents. In schoool,I feel like I did my best work under pressure... Knowing I need to get it done ASAP. In real life... it's not the ideal thing to do. I've procrastinated getting my license.. going to school... I don't regret it though. If things wouldn't have followed through like they have I wouldn't be where I am today... an incredibly happy person who is finally taking control of her life. I've been looking for a jumpstart..  something to motivate me in the right direction.... and I've finally found it (him)  . It's because I feel like a part of my life is finally happening and I feel like everything else needs to catch up. I have my driving test scheduled... it doesn't mean I'm going to pass it but it's a goal I'm working hard to achieve. A possible new career is looming in my future. A new life with someone who loves me unconditionally.. just like I love him. I have all these amazing friends who will always love me and be there for me.. My family can be quite ridiculous at times.. but they love me. The puzzle pieces are finally connecting.
<3

High School

A lot of people from high school are posting about how they want to reconnect with everyone in high school. Two of my exes  from high school have just recently tried to get ahold of me to hang out. and then 2 girls I used to be friends with have asked too. I really have no urge to hang out with any of them. We didn't click back then.. We definitely won't click now. The friends I have now... are absolutely the best friends I hsve ever had. I want to keep them for forever. Also, I'm sure the 2 exes are only trying to hang out with me becausethey see I'm not with Shawn. Sadly for them... I have the man of my dreams.

Babe

Today was so stressful! I was close to tears. Usually days like that at Kmart don't get to me.. but I think I'm just so sick of all the negativity.. Gah.
So Rob called.. and I absolutely love him. I know I keep saying that.  but it's true. He completes me. With him there's no stress.. it's just us. I'm so fortunate to find someone to love me as much as I love him. When I think about that.. I'm like, wow. That's a lot of love. So I just finished eating pizza burgers with ny dad and I'll probably spend the rest of my night day dreaming about Rob. Smiling. A lot.
Casey asked me if I really needed a job----Since Kmart is frustrating me so much... I told him it definitely benefits me to have one currently.. then I tried to think of all the things I could do if I wasn't working! Insane. I've had a job nonstop for the past 5 years... it's a weird thought to end that.

Multi-Tasking

I'm currently working out on the arc glider at the gym. It's not easy to text and do this at the same time! If I was on the treadmill I soooo would have fallen over by now! I figured it's the perfect time to tell the world about my day! I have today off from Kmart... Thank god. I went to a craft fair today with my mom, her mom, and my step dad. I sometimes forget how pleasant I am. Then I see myself at the craft fair greeting and smiling at the vendors. I sometimes feel.. dorky. I'd love to meet someone like myself so i can see how the world perceives me. Too bad I don't have a twin.
Anyway, after the fair my mom and step dad took me along to the St Patricks Day parade. It was cute but I was freezing! Thinking about how nice it would be to be holding someone's warm hand....
Somedays I feel like talking a lot. I think it's because I'm used to having a phone call with Rob in the morning and then working and talking to everyone... Since I haven't done either... I'm going crazy.

Need a Vacation

The past week has been absolutely amazing. Wednesday I went to a different Kmart... and I absolutely loved it. It was nice to be somewhere different.. makinga difference... I even got asked too go out to lunch with their upfront lead.. and to transfer.
I wish it was that easy to give up my Kmart...
While I was up there, Rob visited me on my lunch. I was having an awesome day already.... but add him into it? it's heaven.
Then last night my cousin drove me up to his Kmart. Best. Night. Ever. I'm happy that my cousin was so cool with everything...
I asked her if she liked him, she said, yes! definitely! but what i really like is how much you seem to... blossom... with him around. Everything that was dulled down while you were with Shawn is finally coming out again.. it makes me so happy to have you back to this way. Rob makes me feel so... great. He's my soulmate.
Just rethinking about last night is taking off the stress of work today...
plus, my coffee is helping.. seeing as how I am atDunkin Donut.
I need  a vacation, please.

Stress

I'm doing what I always do when I'm having a stressful day at Kmart... I come over to Dunkin Donuts and drink an iced coffee. I haven't had to do this until recently since I've gone up front.. that's the source of my stress. There's some in other aspects of my life.... but nothing as awful as being up there. So I'm happy to say this iced coffee is saving me from curling up in a ball.
Not that I've actually done that yet! Sometimes I imagine it in my head though.
I've had a good past few days. I just love my life. I spent a few hours with Rob yesterday and there's still a huge smile stuck on my face. I've realized that I had lost faith in there being a soulmate for everyone. Now that thought is so far gone... since I have finally found mine.
Another amazing aspect of yesterday was going to Kmart to meet Cynthia and sitting in her car.. drinking Frapps. Every time I see her I see a huge world of amazing possibilities. I'm really not even sure what it means when I say that but it's what I feel so I thought I should put that in here. I also miss her. I wish we could hang out every day..
Last night I went to see Lord of the Dance with my mom, my baby sister(Alicia), Carlos, and Casey. It was amazing. I love watching people who are so skilled.
I was planning on going to the gym tonight...but my dad called me at work to see if I wanted to go out to Red Lobster. Of course I said yes!

I could go to the gym afterwards but I'm pretty sure even now I'm too exhausted. There's always tomorrow morning    :)

Warmer Weather

So I've only mentioned this to Rob so far so I figured I'd tell the world since I'm sure something good is coming...
Sometimes I get a feeling of how a season is going to be.. good, bad, indifferent. A few days ago I got a feeling that spring/summer was going to be amazing. Yesterday it was warm outside and it made me think of it so I told my mom. She said oh, well that's funny because your brother told me he was goinf to win the lottery on May 31st. I was like.. oh? she said i don't know.. ask him about it.
So today he came over and I was like, so I hear you are going to win the lottery on May 31st? He laughed and said, Well, I don't know if I'm going to win the lottery but I feel like something amazing is going to happen when it gets warmer.. then I had a dream that it would happen in 93 days which would be May 31st.

Intriguing.

Working Out.

I love working out. I love pushing myself and seeing how far I can go.(not just in a workingoutkindofway). I went to the gym today so that pretty much means the rest of my day won't be terribly awful. It's so nice to go there and not think about life. To jist work your body and that's it. Ha! Besides the fact of that not being true anymore.. there's someone who no matter where I'm at or what I'm doing he's always right there on my mind.. but that's okay because he doesn't add anything negative in my life. He just adds tons of positives.
The rest of my day is going well.. at work.. another 11-7 shift which I'm trying not to dwell on.. since it's such a lame shift.....
not thinking about it.
haha.
My mom brought me in dinner since she is super amazing.
Mmmmm. Now I'm sleepy.
I love you, Rob.
I love you, Cynthia.
I love you, Life.

My Nephew

My nephew is 3 1/2. He is absolutely amazing. Ever since he was born, just looking at him makes my heart melt. I just have so much love for him. He makes bad days go away just by telling me he loves me. I've never had anyone else do that for me.. until I met Rob. These two are the most important guys in my life.
I could have never asked for a better nephew.
I'm hanging out with him right now and he's making me laugh so bad. He's so goofy

Good Morning

My morning was so good. Beyond words kind of good.
Work was fine. I got on the floor for over an hour. It was awesome. Then I keep thinking about this morning....
So after work Carlos and Casey's sister, Megan, came to work snd were like... Leanne! Want to go bowling!? I was super nervous... it's been forever since i've gone bowling...
I had a freakin' blast. I was awful and it was amazing. I love my friends.
I love Rob.

Reasons to be Happy Today:

I talked to Rob this morning
I talked to Cynthia this afternoon.
I talked to Carlos this afternoon.
I will be talking to Rob tonight.
It's currently my favorite weather outside. Dark and dreary. It makes me want tou cuddle up with a book and lay by a window. It's a comfortable wrap of semidarkness.
I am drinking a caramel swirl iced coffee, which is my absolute favorite.

I feel like I need to have a dark post to counterbalance all these perky obes. I still can't find my negative emotions though. Maybe someday!

What made your day happy? (to Cynthia, the only one reading this) haha <3

So. Flippin'. Happy.

Honestly, I woke up expecting a completely different day. Then disaster struck. For, like, 10 minutes I was completely devastated. Then I was over it because my brain finally caught up to my emotions. I forgot that I still have forever for certain things. My other thought was that I am so in love. More in love than even yesterday. Each day is filled with so many new things in our relationship. It's crazy that just thinking about him makes me... feel so much.
I just feel like I need a way to express how I feel since it's so new to me. I'm on a whole other level of happiness. I feel like I'm floating.

Yesterday:
I hung out with my amazing sister-in-law who has also been my best friend for 10 years. We had an amazing 7 hours of alone time andd I finally had a chance to tell her everything. It felt nice. I've been unable to do this seeing how we're never really alone together.  and some things you can only tell your best friends.
Then a night of possible disaster was fine because I love Cynthia. Without her....

A Day Never Lacks

I suppose I was having a pretty average Monday. You know, stereotypically sleepy and in a slightly off mood. Then I'm late for work for the first time. It would have been worse if I wouldn't have been talking to Rob right before. He has a way of making everything better just by talking to me. Then he sends me this email... that just sweeps all of the blahness away and makes me realize that no matter how bad work is I have him. He's the brightness of my days. So I got to work and couldn't really get into it. Casey noticed and tried to cheer me up. This only slightly worked. I just am not feeling my job anymore. It's draining. So he says he doesn't like to see me unhappy so he's going to come back in and bring me ice cream. He ended up not having to actually get ice cream but he stopped back in anyway.. because he's an awesome friend . Then I get a call from Rob and let's just say.... I am now super happy. I've decided that for the rest of the day I don't care how bad things get. I'm so happy to have all of these amazing people in my life. Gah.

PS: Cynthia, seeing you today made my heart beat in a happy way. I miss you.